Dear 2015....

I'm glad I met you. I really am. I might even be grateful that you came. A few days ago I accidentally found myself going through my facebook (a.k.a. the version of our lives for others to see) posts, thoughts and photos and it felt like another life. Like I used to have a life and now I have another one, a new one.

2015....you crushed me. You totally did. I felt I was betrayed by a couple of people. I felt I reached my limits quite a few times (four to be exact). I felt lonely, many times. I felt so disappointed. I felt I was stuck. I felt so insecure (a lot!). I felt fear. I felt the loss of my faith to things and people. I felt the chaos that was my life for a few months. 

2015.... while you were here I broke and reassembled myself, not one, but a couple of times (or more).

2015.....you marked me. I changed (or better I evolved), because I basically had no choice to do otherwise. And maybe after all it was the time for change.

2015....during your stay I managed to do some things:

* I met many new people!

* I made new friends!

* I exited my comfort zone!

* I created good relationships with other people!

* I had the chance to feel how having a hard crush on someone feels like!

* I made a band!

* I made new things for my career!

* I made new plans for my career and my life in general!

* I created many pieces of art!

* I wrote many poems, articles, lyrics for songs, texts, posts!

* I became more social!

* I learned that you never know what's coming next in life!

* I learned that you can survive a lot as a human being in life!

* I turned from being a "vase" made of thin glass that breaks easily to being a "wall" (with cracks, but still a wall)!

* I learned how to express what I feel in a much better way!

* I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking and over-feeling, but I managed to turn all that energy into art and in general control my feelings and thoughts more than I used to in the past!

* I finally got over false ideas about my appearance (special thanks to a friend for that)!

* I cut ties with things and people that were more harming than good for me or that they didn't make me feel ok!

* Now I feel ok with being me, much more than I used to to in the past!

2015....I'm still working on things, learning and try to become a better person.

2015....sometimes I feel like I really started to LIVE my life while you were here (even though many bad stuff happened, but I turned them into better ones), so I guess I'm saying goodbye kink of whimsically!

Love, a hug and a kiss on the cheek!

Angelina  

            

My trust to others

For the ones that make me believe again....

(image source here)

I'm going to be clear from the beginning.

I don't trust other people. 

I was raised with the idea that everyone is a good person (my mother grew up with the same idea, so she basically had no choice about what she was going to teach us). 

When I was younger I was trusting others, a lot! But many people started showing their true self at some point, so I kind of started to expect that some people may not be what they seem. Many times in the past I pinned my hopes on other people and in the end they let me down.

Until today, the examples of not trust worthy people that have been (or are) in my life are a couple (few, many....) and they cost me....

They cost me to change from trusting others to believe that you must count only to yourself. 

Kind of sad, yes. 

I still have expectations but in the back of my mind I always have the sense that something will go wrong. 

But the past couple of months I think I have started to believe again....

Yes, there are many....how should I put it, well.....there are many not trustworthy and some even shitty people out there in the world, but some others that will be worth your trust and they're going to prove their value. They're going to be the reminder that there's something good out there.... The proportion of trustworthy and not trustworthy people might be uneven but it's almost a blessing when you find the good ones....

Lost faith

It was an afternoon in December 2015, when I realized that I have lost my faith in good things happening. 

And it was shocking and scary.

My childhood self, and even my teenage self, were imagining that beautiful things are going to come! Ultra happy moments, fairytale love (the Beauty and the Beast version, please), a great life, and things that would surprise me...!

Years started going by and things weren't going the way I wanted them. 

Unicorns don't exist, but life can still surprise you, right?! Maybe not after all...

 I say that we're the ones that can create happiness and I believe in it. But if you think about it there's a hidden truth inside this philosophy/quote. I don't expect life to bring me magic, so I try to create it myself. And all the years that have passed since the days I was a child or a teenager proved me that beautiful things you dream about don't usually come. 

Most of the times (ok, there are the rare situations that good surprises happen, but, they're extremely rare) the pattern that has been happening for quite a few years is: I expect something, it doesn't come, the sense of futility stays with me! Sounds like fun...not!

 I try to create magic and I succeed many times, but this is just me taking control. Me trying to create the life I want, because you can't expect anyone else to do it for you (oh, that's lack of faith in others too,  but that's a different story for another post).

So, that afternoon in December came when I realized that deep inside, I'm prepared for the bad things to come. I believe more in the bad things that are going to come and not in the beautiful unexpected ones. When I'm in a certain situation my belief that things aren't going to go the way I want them is much stronger than my hope for a good ending. Pretty disappointing to realize that you've reached that point...yes it is!

 And the question is....

can you repair your faith about something like this?

The four letter word

This word is so small, but still can take you to heaven, magic places, hell and crush you.

It takes only an "l", an "o", a "v" and an "e". And everything out of a sudden makes sense. Or better, it doesn't make sense! 

You live your life, you're fine, you do the things you like, you meet new people, things in your life start falling into place, you...wait what was that before the things that fall into place?! Oh, you meet new people....and one of these new people might mean more than the others for you, right?

Welcome to the twilight zone!

We've been expecting you for the last 27 years of your life.....

So, prepare yourself for these powerful four letters (boo!)!

* Four letters that will make you go from "logic lover" to "prisoner of feelings". 

(You've been always a fan of logic and you were always trying to keep your feelings under control, but no, this time it's over! Your brain is going to ignore all the thoughts like "You should't like this person because you're going to ruin this and that". Feelings! A lot them!)

* Four letters that will make you think about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you speak about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you not being able to look at the other person's eyes for too long.

* Four letters that will make something inside you die a little bit each time you think about the chance that in the end nothing might happen between you two.

* Four letters that will make you smile a lot.

* Four letters that are going to bring a instant smile to your face when you lay your eyes upon this person.

* Four letters that will make this person seem sooo beautiful in your eyes.

* Four letters that will make you try to keep it together each time you're meeting this person.

* Four letters that will make you being unable to concentrate like you used to do.

* Four letters that will make you feel really uncomfortable because you're going to lose a big amount of your self-control.

* Four letters that will make you go from super-happiness to super-blues (and vice versa).

* Four letters that are definitely worth the risk of acting and expressing how you feel at some point. 

* Four letters that will make you feel like you're riding a roller coaster

(you might reach the top and stay there, or you might fall unexpectedly, it depends on whether the other person is going to feel the same way or not actually).

* Four letters that will make that song you already liked so much, making total sense....!

It goes like....

....and everything is dark and kind of scary

and you crave the full moon, but I don't care...

"You walk like a zombie" - Horrorpops

Fight (or not)?

To a friend

 (I wish you could do what you wanted today)....

We all have our issues. Minor or major.

And we all have the days that we're ok and those that we would like to stay at home, in bed maybe, and just do...nothing!

 In case you're one of the lucky ones who have the opportunty to make a choice, 

what would you do on the bad days?

Stay in bed, with only your thoughts to keep you company?

Or would you.....react, get up, move, create, fight...?!

It's basically a choice, right?

To fight, even if you don't know if you're going to win in the end.

To try and do the best you can.

"Demon, demon, in my mind" (a poem)

Demon, demon, in my mind,

who's the bravest to survive?

Lost in time and space 

only thinking of your embrace

I slightly breath

near the heartbreak

Will you acompany me at last?

"I forgot to live" (a poem & a song)

And I forgot to live

And until this day I die

You tell me I shouldn't cry,

but I can't

And I forgot to live

Took that turn so wrong

I couldn't be strong,

and lost everything