Two photos, almost ten months apart

Sometimes is nice to look back and compare the past with the present. 

See how things have changed. 

A few minutes ago a painting on my wall caught my eye and and I started thinking how a photograph can reflect how you feel at a certain period of time.

So, here's a comparison.....

1.

That's one of my paintings for my "Wrath Project" (and the one on my wall right now). 

It was done about 10 months ago. Apart from the variety of red shades, I used a knife, a razor and a pair of scissors for this one. 

And it was reflecting my inside so well at that point.....! I can still remember the feeling today, just by looking at it.

And here's the present.....

2.

All these colors, this pretty thing with the confetti (accidentally) on top of it, oh my...! 

There's always a pinch of black, but brighter colors rule these days.

Colorful things and big doses of joy. 

Pretty well done......!

Dear 2015....

I'm glad I met you. I really am. I might even be grateful that you came. A few days ago I accidentally found myself going through my facebook (a.k.a. the version of our lives for others to see) posts, thoughts and photos and it felt like another life. Like I used to have a life and now I have another one, a new one.

2015....you crushed me. You totally did. I felt I was betrayed by a couple of people. I felt I reached my limits quite a few times (four to be exact). I felt lonely, many times. I felt so disappointed. I felt I was stuck. I felt so insecure (a lot!). I felt fear. I felt the loss of my faith to things and people. I felt the chaos that was my life for a few months. 

2015.... while you were here I broke and reassembled myself, not one, but a couple of times (or more).

2015.....you marked me. I changed (or better I evolved), because I basically had no choice to do otherwise. And maybe after all it was the time for change.

2015....during your stay I managed to do some things:

* I met many new people!

* I made new friends!

* I exited my comfort zone!

* I created good relationships with other people!

* I had the chance to feel how having a hard crush on someone feels like!

* I made a band!

* I made new things for my career!

* I made new plans for my career and my life in general!

* I created many pieces of art!

* I wrote many poems, articles, lyrics for songs, texts, posts!

* I became more social!

* I learned that you never know what's coming next in life!

* I learned that you can survive a lot as a human being in life!

* I turned from being a "vase" made of thin glass that breaks easily to being a "wall" (with cracks, but still a wall)!

* I learned how to express what I feel in a much better way!

* I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking and over-feeling, but I managed to turn all that energy into art and in general control my feelings and thoughts more than I used to in the past!

* I finally got over false ideas about my appearance (special thanks to a friend for that)!

* I cut ties with things and people that were more harming than good for me or that they didn't make me feel ok!

* Now I feel ok with being me, much more than I used to to in the past!

2015....I'm still working on things, learning and try to become a better person.

2015....sometimes I feel like I really started to LIVE my life while you were here (even though many bad stuff happened, but I turned them into better ones), so I guess I'm saying goodbye kink of whimsically!

Love, a hug and a kiss on the cheek!

Angelina  

            

Sentimental survivor

(image: prwua.org)

 Remembering myself, even as a child, I have this image of a very sensitive person. As long as I can remember I was feeling too fragile, many situations were looking enormous to my eyes, I was crying more easily than the kids around me and at the point that I started having the basic idea that we all grow up and become adults one day....well then, I started thinking "how am I going to survive?". 

This thought continued during my adolescence. 

How was I going to survive in life being so sensitive?

Then adulthood came and at some point I started the procedure of toughening up myself. 

It failed. Gloriously! I basically ended up depressed for some months. I still remember that time.These were the days when I was at home, watching TV and not doing anything. During that period, three to four times a day, out of the blue, I was starting sobbing so hard. I was feeling that all the feelings I had suppressed for a couple of years were coming all together or that all the ugliness in the world was gathering herself inside me. 

I managed to get over it and started a procedure (that is continued until today) of accepting my feelings, my sensitivity and the fact that I am so fragile. Studying singing and having to perform and express myself helped a lot. Until one day (about one year after the depression), while working on one of my songs an image came to my mind. It was the point when I felt to the core how deeply I could feel. And the image was one of a very deep tunnel that had no end, you could only see darkness....

Today, I have managed to put all my energy and my feelings to my art (plus keeping a part of them for the people in my life). That's the way I survive and don't go mad from over-feeling and over-thinking. 

And lately, one day, I saw light in the end of the tunnel. 

So, the key to survival was to accept the way I was made.... 

I guess one day I'm going to accept it 100%.

One day.....

Broken (people)

For the days that "black holes" appear

and for those that you are able to write a poem with the phrase "tell the devil I said 'hi' ".......

Today, I have mostly questions. 

Some thoughts and events as well, but I'm going to keep them inside my head for now.

In life, we, people break.

Sometimes we break into millions of pieces....

Can we really piece back together ourselves?

Is there any chance that after reassembling ourselves we're going to be the same as we were before?

How much strength do we really have inside us?

Is there always something left from our wounds? Reminders....?

How much strength do you need to rise from your own ashes?

You probably never forget the "black holes" you have fallen into...

You can never change your true nature, right? At least not 100%....

Are there forever broken people?

(Because there are people who break more easily than others, that's for sure......)

P.S. I always trust those who tell you straight to your face that they were broken once or even that they still try to reassemble themselves. I believe that they worth a lot, they have managed to face themselves, their demons, they have fighted and that's what makes them have great souls.

At the gates of hell...

For all of us who have been to hell and have come back.......

In our lives, there are these moments when you feel like you're staring your demons straight in the eye (and the thing is that they stare back at you), like you're looking straight into hell. You may live inside hell as well....for a few days, weeks, maybe even more!

In front of hell you're going to feel scared and helpless, but survival will take its turn eventually.

These trips to hell are definitely going to leave their scars and you're never going to forget any of them, what each one of them took away from you, what they brought with them and left you in the end. 

Even when time has passed and you are in a safer and more comfortable place, it takes only a few seconds to remember everything. But then you think that you made it, you survived and you're still here, breathing and being ok (most of the times). 

So, let's drink to the dark places we survived and to those we're going to in the future!

We won't back down (not for long at least)!!

"I won't back down" - Tom Petty cover by Johnny Cash

Creating images

I'm sitting on a chair, with the laptop in front of me, on the kitchen table. 

Outside rain falls for a while now, and the sky has this wonderful light grey shade that makes everything look bright, even though there's no sun.

You just created a image in your mind, right?

Further than this kind of images that our mind creates, when someone gives you information about a scene, tells you a story maybe, there is another kind too.

The one that your imagination creates inside your mind.

Images that are so far from the reality (at least the reality you're in this moment).

You can be inside the scene I started this post with, and you can imagine other versions of reality...

....being inside a coffee shop with garland lights on the walls and comfortable chairs and sofas, with friends, laughing and talking about everything inside and outside your microcosms....

....being in a house, with your special someone, lying down under a blanket on the sofa, watching.....well, I'm going to choose X-Men movies because they're my favorite superheroes....

....dancing in the rain in the middle of a forest, spinning round and rounds around yourself, your clothes getting wet and rain drops falling upon your closed eye lids....

"9 crimes" - Damien Rice

A letter to myself

(the one I was 9 months ago, on the 25th of February)

Darling,

What seems like a tragedy today, will bring a smile to your face in a few months.

Be prepared to hurt a lot (psychological pain will be there with you for a long time).

Be prepared for many bad things to come together.

Some of the things you were always fantasizing about will come true.

Work will be one of the key words of this year.

You're going to cry a lot, and laugh a lot as well.

Many things and the way you look at the world and others will change. 

You're going to meet many new people and make new friends, so don't worry.

You silly, you can't even imagine how good your next love is going to be!

You're going to feel the meaning of the word "change", for real....!

Your comfort zone will expand.... (yes, it will feel weird at first).

That thing that you don't like rollercoasters....well, you're going to get into one (metaphorically speaking) and will be riding it for quite some time.

This is the year that you're going to accept a few big truths about life and people.

You're going to feel comfortable in your own skin (more than ever).

You're going to find what you've lost, your faith and everything.

And one last thing....hold tight and everything will get better!

(Believe me, I've been there!)

The well kept demons

If you're a regular reader of this blog you'll probably know that one of my favorite subjects to talk about is the personal demons each one of us has. I talk about mine every now and then. 

But today I thought of writing a few words about the ones that are deeper than any other. Those that almost nobody (maybe a couple of people, but not the 100% of them) knows about. 

These are the demons that I keep fighting and haven't defeated yet. These are the ones that I'm thinking about when sometimes seems to others like I'm lost in my own world (ok, there are cases that I'm really lost in my own world too). 

These are the demons that make me feel powerless sometimes or some other times I have to gather so much strength just for one battle with them.

Until that day that I'm going to win....(hopefully)....

"Hurt"

One day, about 3 years ago, I was sitting on my sofa, with my laptop on my lap and I was listening to songs on YouTube. 

At some point I found a song called "Hurt", by Johny Cash. 

And I fell in love!

After some time I learned that this song was written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.

 (what a soul he must have to write these lyrics...!).

It's basically my ultimate favorite, if I could sing only one song for the rest of my life this would be it. It's the one song that can bring tears to my eyes even if I'm in the best mood, it's the one song that when I listen to it the time and the world around me stop a little bit. 

Its lyrics are changing with me as time passes. At first I was feeling that some people were giving me their "empire of dirt", later that I did hurt myself, almost always that, yes, pain is one of the most real things in life. Nowadays, being in a period of change I keep thinking "what have I become?".

Plus, it will always remind me of the time when a period of depression started for me, 

of all the fragile moments in life and the pain that we come through eventually.

P.S. I think that this version is the best one ever: 

Trent Reznor - Hurt (Unplugged)

"Her watery eyes" (a poem)

Her watery eyes were looking at me

while she was standing in front of me

Her dry lips

She should have been empty

but she was not

I stresses my hand so I can touch her

and she touched the glass on the same spot

A tear fell across her cheek

Saturday 7 March 2015

"I'm feeling the pain going though my body. I'm in my bed, with the door closed and no computer on. 

I'm in pain.

Am I going to be wounded forever? 

I wish I could have someone hug me and protect me from all this.

I don't want to cry, I want to be brave but the tears are almost out.

I'm thinking you were so.... little.

And still in this moment there's some kind of magic. Because right now I'm hurting so much and so bad. And I don't run to anyone for that hug. I'm standing alone.

I'm facing the abyss inside me and I'm becoming a little... muchier.

And suddenly my mother enters the room and comes and kisses me in the forehead. 

And I'm thinking that that's one more kind of magic. Not being alone, having someone next to you.

Yeah, when I'm taking a look inside me I'm seeing...something like a tunnel, a road that leads to my deepest self (the one that FEELS).

When I'm looking inside me I see the abyss.

And it's colorful."

P.S. That's the first excerpt from my real personal diary. It felt so right to share this small and kind of surreal text.
Let's live, feel and express ourselves and our feelings....!

7 days (of a broken heart)

I'm one of these people who break a lot and cry a lot (you can call us hypersensitive).
Oh, I still believe in real love in our days (and I'm not going to stop believing).

And seven days ago my then boyfriend broke up with me (plus told me that he had done something with another girl).

Hello hell!

And days passed and now I have a list of things I'm thinking and saying to myself (and I'm going to say to others when they'll come where I am now and they'll need my help):

* Grieve and cry as much as you want. Over and over. For hours and whole days.

* Be prepared to hurt a lot (the more you felt and have counted on someone the more you'll hurt).

* Be prepared to think about what happened from all points of view (why, was it your fault, etc).

* There will always be people who are going to stand by you when you're in need (a big thank you for those who took the time to help!).

* Give yourself the chance to say some last words to your ex - other half. Don't curse, it's not good, but just say what you think. It's your last chance to do something like that. But then stop having any contact. 

* Talk a lot and share your feelings and thoughts about your broken heart. I did it and it was so helpful, it helped me start seeing things clearer, see things from other points of view, feel that someone is next to me and many more.

* At some point, you should start seeing things clearer, look at the relationship you had from a fresh (more realistic and less sentimental) point of view. In the end you (might) realize that things weren't ideal and that there might have been things you didn't want to see clearly when you were still in the relationship.

* One of the worst things are the flashbacks. I had my whole relationship passing in front of my eyes for days. But, at some point you should start controlling your memories and thoughts. A great help to that will be to.....

* .....start doing things. Things you like, plans that were left in the drawer for some time, continue being who you are (or used to be).

* Give yourself time and everything will be ok eventually.

* Try to turn around bad things that happen, so they can be good for you. For example for seven days now I didn't have an appetite. At first I was eating something just to eat and now I'm starting to feel hungry now and then, but I see it as a chance to lose the weight I had gained lately.

* Remember that what really counts is the actions that others do and not their words.

* In case you're a positive person don't forget about it, because that's a great thing for the post break up period. For example, find something to make you smile daily.

* Remember that everything that reminds you of him/her will eventually remind you of something else or it won't hurt so much.

* Think of the future and the things to come. I like to believe that the best things are going to come in the future.

* It's ok to think about the things you didn't do and those you did and you liked them so much, but there comes a time when you should replace those thoughts with the thoughts of the things you 're going to do in the future.

* Be proud of yourself. You are who you are, you've treated as good as you could the other person, shit happens, but don't let it effect the way you see yourself. It really helps me when I look at the mirror and like what I see, I feel nice.

* Don't stop being happy for others and don't stop helping others. It's a good way to be open to happiness (that will come in the future).

* Even if you are more broken hearted than ever ( I know that I am) don't let your heart close. Let it open because it will be whole and happy again.

Like you!

A song about sorrow

"Αλλάζει πρόσωπα η θλίψη" - Παύλος Παυλίδης

That's one of my favorite greek songs and it's the soundtrack of this day (so far).

It talks about sorrow and its face/faces.

Here you can read the lyrics in greek and in english translation

(source: stixoi.info).