It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

Reinventing happiness (no.2)

Today I watched "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" (and the movie following it, "The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"). It's about a hotel in India and its elderly guests. 

All  this color....!! Shades of yellow, and red, and blue, and purple, and green, and almost every other color that exists! And all the fine embroidery on the fabrics and clothes! All the beautiful patterns in architecture, jewelry and on any element that catches your eye! Well, it's a Hollywood movie after all, it can't be 100% accurate to the real thing, but still looks amazing!

You look at all these beautiful things and you can't help but think that if there's so much color to lighten up the world, the world can't be a very bad place. At least not always....

Plus the idea of travelling and getting to know different cultures, seeing new things, taste, smell.... I should travel someday....! But maybe watch some trevelling documentaries for now.

(image source: imdb.com)

P.S. Those beautiful couple of lines in the end of the second movie, spoeken by Muriel Donnelly (the character of Maggie Smith):

"You have no idea now what you will become, 

don't try to control it. 

Let go.

That's when the fun starts."

Reinventing happiness (no.1)

You know these people that are able to find small pieces of happiness in their everyday life. A cute bird standing on top of a tree, a beautiful colored flower, the amazingly shaped clouds in the sky, etc. I used to be one of them. 

Until I wasn't any more. 

It started out slowly, it was more and more difficult for me to notice those  tiny bits of beauty. And it took only a few months to end up with depression. Me, that my philosophy is that happiness is a way of life and a life's goal, having depression. In combination with my obsessive compulsions that after 10 years have made my everyday routines so hard! 

So, I'm standing here today, feeling sad most of the time, not feeling like my usual self anymore, not being able to normaly do simple things (it's hard due to my obsessive compulsion even to move properly inside my ow house sometimes and sometimes it's even hard to get out of bed), feeling very anxious when I'm outside (because the next trigger might be waiting around the corner, right?!), not being able to dream and set goals like I used to, having thoughts  of self harm and a few more things. Oh, among all the above I'm giving my 120% to feel better. I do literary the best I can. Plus, the help I'm getting from my psychologist. And there's a chance of visiting a psychiatrist too, soon.

What's helping me the most in this difficult time is a small three-letter-word with much power: art. I'm lucky enough to be an artist. I'm using words, color, photography, music, drawing, singing, jewelry design, to express myself and basically breath. And I'm using the word "lucky" because it's pure luck to being able to deal with situations like mental health problems using art! 

One particular thing I have noticed lately is that even through hard times like these, I'm finding myself feeling deeply passionate about art in certain situations. Sometimes it's a concert, others a song or a movie. And this caught me thinking that....what if I could beat my depression and obsessive compulsions through art?! Always in combination with therapy of course. 

What if I could feel better using art (creating, admiring, studying) and in a way... reinvent my happiness?!