The spark and the fire

(image via wikipedia.org)

In three days from now, it's a special anniversary for me. 

It's my one year anniversary and I think that that's the first and the last time I'm going to celebrate it.

One year ago, on the 25th of February, the end begun.

You see, myself back then was a person that didn't open up easily and wasn't letting everyone in. So, when I let someone in and they chose the exit (especially when they could have done it in a much better way, much...!) the end begun. The end of an era. The end of a big part of my life.

(I have written here again and again and again about it. And about all the things that happened during the last year. Humour me with this one.)

As I was saying the end begun. And hard times started. And a chaotic period begun as well. And more bad and unpleasant thing kept coming my way during a whole year. 

And I fighted, I was defeated, I fighted back again, and this happened a few more times. During one year I managed to grow. And changed a lot, I became a better version of me (for myself first of all) and I improved my life. 

2015 was my year of change.

2016 is the year of confidence, of growing even more.

But I think that I really have talked a about all the details of my change, I would like to focus on the anniversary.

Well, every fire needs a spark to start. If there's no spark probably there won't be any fire. I mean, sometimes I'm thinking that if the event of the 25th of February haven't happened, chances are that I wouldn't have done all I've done. Because yes, more things shook me up a lot during the year, but I think that this was the spark.

The spark that started the fire!

Fire can destroy everything, but you can manage to tame it or let it burn and take its time until it's the right time to put it out.

It's in your hand to decide what you're going to do with it! 

And one year after, there are many burnt things, along with a part of myself. All these won't come back to life. Never.

But they gave space to new thing to grow in their place.

Maybe some things were already burnt.

Maybe the new things that grew were always there and they were blocked in some way or waiting for their time. 

And their time started, 25th of February, 2015.

And one year later I am so happy and grateful. 

The way I feel today about myself, my life, all the people and the world around me....

are worth every second of sadness, cry, rage, fighting. 

Totally worth it!

So, I reach to the conclusion that maybe, no one should be afraid or bad things to come, hard times can prove more helpful and precious that you think. And yes, you're going to need to fight, but the truth is that when "shit happens" you have no choice; you're going to fight. And eventually win.

Two photos, almost ten months apart

Sometimes is nice to look back and compare the past with the present. 

See how things have changed. 

A few minutes ago a painting on my wall caught my eye and and I started thinking how a photograph can reflect how you feel at a certain period of time.

So, here's a comparison.....

1.

That's one of my paintings for my "Wrath Project" (and the one on my wall right now). 

It was done about 10 months ago. Apart from the variety of red shades, I used a knife, a razor and a pair of scissors for this one. 

And it was reflecting my inside so well at that point.....! I can still remember the feeling today, just by looking at it.

And here's the present.....

2.

All these colors, this pretty thing with the confetti (accidentally) on top of it, oh my...! 

There's always a pinch of black, but brighter colors rule these days.

Colorful things and big doses of joy. 

Pretty well done......!

At the gates of hell...

For all of us who have been to hell and have come back.......

In our lives, there are these moments when you feel like you're staring your demons straight in the eye (and the thing is that they stare back at you), like you're looking straight into hell. You may live inside hell as well....for a few days, weeks, maybe even more!

In front of hell you're going to feel scared and helpless, but survival will take its turn eventually.

These trips to hell are definitely going to leave their scars and you're never going to forget any of them, what each one of them took away from you, what they brought with them and left you in the end. 

Even when time has passed and you are in a safer and more comfortable place, it takes only a few seconds to remember everything. But then you think that you made it, you survived and you're still here, breathing and being ok (most of the times). 

So, let's drink to the dark places we survived and to those we're going to in the future!

We won't back down (not for long at least)!!

"I won't back down" - Tom Petty cover by Johnny Cash

A letter to myself

(the one I was 9 months ago, on the 25th of February)

Darling,

What seems like a tragedy today, will bring a smile to your face in a few months.

Be prepared to hurt a lot (psychological pain will be there with you for a long time).

Be prepared for many bad things to come together.

Some of the things you were always fantasizing about will come true.

Work will be one of the key words of this year.

You're going to cry a lot, and laugh a lot as well.

Many things and the way you look at the world and others will change. 

You're going to meet many new people and make new friends, so don't worry.

You silly, you can't even imagine how good your next love is going to be!

You're going to feel the meaning of the word "change", for real....!

Your comfort zone will expand.... (yes, it will feel weird at first).

That thing that you don't like rollercoasters....well, you're going to get into one (metaphorically speaking) and will be riding it for quite some time.

This is the year that you're going to accept a few big truths about life and people.

You're going to feel comfortable in your own skin (more than ever).

You're going to find what you've lost, your faith and everything.

And one last thing....hold tight and everything will get better!

(Believe me, I've been there!)

Being confortable outside my comfort zone

My first contact with the phrase "outside your comfort zone" happened about 3 years ago, through a TV series (I think I was already trying to get out of mine, but I didn't know there was a phrase about it). So, about 3 years ago I started writing about exiting my comfort zone and...try to make it happen! Yes, it was pretty hard and it went like one step forward, 2 steps back.

Until.....2015!

This glorious year....when I found myself into chaos, having not a single stability in my life for a while. And that's the point where something magical happened!

Having nothing to lose I started doing all the things that I was afraid or hesitant of doing:

* I volunteered to an art festival

* I asked others to go out more easily

* I started talking more easily to people around me

* I participated in workshops 

* I added my artwork and photography prints to my handmade objects brand (Daily Art by Angelina)

* I decided to bring my art photography to the next level and work towards making it a profession (Angelina Mavrogianni Photography)

* I started my first band (and I'm thinking of starting a second one too)

* I started getting used to talking to people I didn't know well (to do all the above I had to accomplish that too)

* I started publishing my poems to this blog (http://themicrocosminsidemymind.blogspot.gr/search/label/poetry)

* I started creating small videos with a cappella covers of songs I love

These are some examples of the things I accomplished during the year and to do them I had to go so outside my comfort zone....!

There were the good and the bad days, the days I was so much into doing something new and the ones when I didn't have so much courage, but I fought a lot, I worked a lot and today....

....the truth is I don't know where my comfort zone begins and ends anymore. 

I'm a little bit tired of trying so much sometimes, but magical things do happen outside your comfort zone and I've reached a point where the first thing that comes to my mind each time I accomplish a task is "what am I doing to do next to challenge my comfort zone?!".

Plus, I have started feeling comfortable with...not feeling comfortable 

and that's a marvelous feeling!

The "Wrath Project"

A few months before the beginning of 2015 I started feeling a certain amount of anger and wrath burning inside me. It felt weird because I rarely get really angry. These moments were coming and going... 

A couple of months ago the same thing started happening, plus there were moments that I was feeling angry towards others (with reason, but Ι was over-reacting sometimes).

I thought that I should do something about my anger..... and I chose to focus all my negative feelings on canvases instead of people.

That was the beginning of the "Wrath Project"....

and that's my completed project of mixed media (I mainly used blades, fire and the color red).....

The beauty of chaos

Imagine that you're standing on a cliff and you're pushed. 

Imagine falling into the sea that's in front of the cliff.

That's how losing things and people you were used to have in your life feels like, how you feel when situations and relationships change and everything in your life comes upside down.

Imagine trying to swim so you can reach the nearest shore.
That's how trying to escape the chaos that not-so-good changes bring with them feels like.

But there comes a moment that you realize that the best thing to do is stop trying to find the exit, stop trying to find your way out of the chaos.
The moment when you decide to lay back and enjoy it.
After all through the chaos you come across things you could have never imagined getting close to, you move on in life and you become a newer version of yourself...

...so, relax and enjoy the beauty!

Hello, chaos!

There is a song that says "bad things come in twos" (you can listen to it here). Bad things can come in twos, threes, fours, fives, etc. Sometimes one bad thing happens and then bad things keep coming and you find yourself totally outside your comfort zone, with a chaos in your life and a micro-chaos inside your mind.

 What do you do then? 

First of all, don't give up! Keep going and fighting. Don't give up on your goals, your dreams,  life, others, yourself.

Another very important thing to do is to admit (to yourself basically) that things are not ok. From that point you will be able to start repairing the world inside and outside yourself. 

For the "repairing period"... do things that you like, have fun, go out, meet people you love and talk to others for serious and not so serious things, create (if you're the creative type, difficult times are very productive). 

And day by day, step by step, start re-building everything, do those things you were afraid of doing, try new ones, continue doing older ones and one day you'll wake up one morning and you'll think....

"Oh, it's over! And how nice is everything here ...!".

"I'm a runner" (or "The birds")

Ever since I was a little girapartment ike birds. Theyair free, lightweighted, they're flying and they're singing! I can remember my 6-year-old self thinking like that, and my 26-year-old self today still thinks the same way. I have a thing for freedom and personal space.
If I ever got a tattoo I know exactly what it would be: a small colorful bird.
I love the pattern of birds and I have it in many forms in my house: charms, decor objects, bookmarks, bird pattern clothes, etc.
And in general I love the idea of wings.
Wings=freedom.

I'm flying too.

Or better....I'm running.

There have been times in the past when things got tough, when I started feeling pressed,  and I did what came natural to me: run! It's like my breaking point. I remember being in a relationship I wasn't  feeling confortable in. So, one day I woke up feeling like an animal inside a cage. I wanted to run. That was the day I ended that relationship.
 For a long time I thought that this was in the past, but recently I realized that I'm still a runner. There are moments that I have no air due to some situations and sometimes I run.

Today I woke up ok, in my city apartment, until at some point I started feeling my breathing out of order, feeling like I couldn't stand the walls around me. Hello anxiety attack! Oh, I wanted to run away so bad...!
What helped me was opening the window so I can feel the wind and listen to the birds singing on the trees in front of my apartment. And I breathed.....no, I didn't run, but one of the following days I think I'm going to take a trip again....

Project no. 2: "The shapes inside the chaos"