It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

Vacation past

Some of the best vacation I had so far were these of my childhood, in Agios Andreas.

Agios Andreas is a village in Peloponnese (Greece), about one and a half hour away from the house where I grew up.

The village is a combination of mountains and sea. Its main part is located on the foot of a mountain and there's also a part of it which is by the sea.

I've been on vacation there, with my family, as long as I can remember myself. I have been there lots of times with my beloved late grandpa, with family friends and my family even made some great friends there, about twenty years ago.

To go there, there's a road, up the hills, with view at the sea.

When you're almost there, there's a small pond (with extremely cold water I must say), with small marbles in the bottom, where the waters are supposed to be therapeutic. There where small turtle in there too, a few years ago.

This pond is continued to a lake, which at some point meets the sea. 

The beaches of Agios Andreas are a combination of small rocks and sand. But I mainly remember the sand. Inside the sea, there are many rocks (which I am afraid of since I was a kid, I can only imagine what lie beneath the rocks, maybe nothing (or just sand as one friend of mine says), but still....) but if you walk/swim for a few meter you'll discover a great sand bottom!

When I was still at school, my family and I used to rent a flat which was only a few meters away from the beach. I was lying down on my bed at noon, on my side, and I was watching the sea...

From that flat, I also remember the smell of the gas cooker while my mother was making coffee or cooking, the smell of Dettol when she was cleaning (and actually Dettol is ever since reminds me of something very pleasant) and the old fashioned sweets we where buying from a pastry shop in the village.

Oh, I love those beaches! I can remember myself playing, reading and swimming there. 

If you take a walk a long the shore, you'll end up on a hill, where there are just a couple of coffee shops and taverns and a small port from where the fishermen of the village go off with their beautiful boats. 

I've had many meals in the tavern on the top. I remember the vintage chairs there where there when I was a kid. And the view from there is just.....dreamy and spectacular! Watching the rocks, in front of you, starting from under your feet and continue until they meet the sea water!

Very precious memories....

and I would love to have a collection of photos to match them, but I preferred a screenshot of a map.

And the collection of photos matching the memories are a great idea for a photography project and one more visit there this summer...!

For now I'm sipping my coffee to the sunny memories and to the photo frames that start forming in my mind!

Reinventing happiness (no.5)

Lately, I've been drawing a lot. 

Usually sitting in my balcony and creatin for hours and hours!

It's the basic thing that makes my mind calm down and reduces the almost constant thinking.

So, following lines and creating beauty, for me!

And color. 

A great part of my abtract art and collages. 

Having depression is like being in a constant state of...grey. It goes from light shades of grey to really really dark ones. And drawing and creating collages is a way for me to add color to my life. 

Every new colored pencil or pen I'm buying is like a choice I make, an addition of a certian scent and shade to a tough time....

Yes, I have obsessive compulsions and constant thoughts, and very bad and dark moments and depression, but I'm still making my choices and trying to make my everyday life better.

Sometimes, I only need a black pen, some colored ones and a good piece of paper!

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!

"Eros breaks his bow"

How a different perspective can change the way you look at something

& the beauty of a 3D work of art with its different angles....

* "Eros breaks his bow",

by Georgios Vroutos,

1896

"Society dear, think twice!"

Note: This post maybe generalises a little bit, but these are my thoughts and I wanted to express them as usual.

My mother was raised by her own mother which was all about being nice, don't be a burden to others, act nice in public, help others, being a good person. The truth is that at some point we started realising (and mostly myself as I was growing up) that grandma was all about herself, she was saying she was taking daily care of others and her household for others but she clearly was doing it for herself so everything was the way she wanted to be. Plus, till today, if you listen to her she mostly says bad things about others and she's maybe the most camouflaged egocentric person I know.
I grew up in a small town where appearances were everything. Something is good if it looks good. For example, I know a couple of families that were quite abusive with their children, but they aways looked good on the outside, they seemed respectful, so they are treated as good people.
And in if you take a look around in your daily life, you're going to find plenty of examples of well respected (by the society we live in) people who don't deserve much respect.
Let me give you one more, quite humorous, example. Because I've always had boyfriends who were "good guys" and they turned up to be not so good people I always say that I want the next guy to be a bad guy, someone maybe not so respected for the standards of society (some think I'm kidding about it,  ut I actually don't).
You see, it's the same thing; appearances deceive, many times those who look like good and people on the outside are not so good if you take a look closer.
And respect from the society only means that you have a nice cover, doesn't mean you truly are worth of respect or that you are a good human being.
So, lessons learned I have started noticing more the "souls" and all the small things that people around me do and have mamaged to have a couple people around me that they're so worth of being around and being loved, no matter what they would be for the popular standards.

My mind

My mind.

Well, my mind is heaven and hell. My mind creates beauty, images and art so quickly. My mind tells me that I'm in danger, that this and that are going to harm me if I don't do certain acts. Compulsions protect me, that's what my mind tells me.

My mind usually wins. 

It wins in creation and in paranoia as well. 

There are good days and bad days. Maybe really good ones and a few that are very bad.

y mind is able to imagine whole worlds within minutes. If you give it a phrase it will create an image in seconds. And in the same time it can get stuck for days, weeks, months on a tiny stain or a source of dirt or germs. I'm in danger it says.

That's what the devil inside there says. And the angel answers that I should follow logic, the logical way of thinking. And yes, my obsessions are kind of related to my imagination and my creation. Because when I create I have a certain amount of control over my thoughts and I'm balancing the bad and negative ones.

I love my mind, except from when it makes me reach my limits. What am I doing then? 

Well, I; still trying o figure this one out. Maybe I should stand my ground when it stops cooperating with me. 

You see, sometimes, my so full of imagination mind turns against me.

Beauty & Beasts

So, I like creating art, watching crime series and documentaries (oh, those with the dramatization) and listening to something while I'm working.
And it still amazes me how I can combine beauty and beasts, creating something pleasant to the eyes, while in the same time listening to horrible real life stories about crimes.
Maybe it's some kind of filtering after all....

The beautiful lives of others

I have a great imagination. And I use it a lot.
For example, when I'm thinking about people I don't know very well or people I have just met, or others that I know but we're not the closest of friends, I have the tendency to imagine that they have these wonderful,  beautiful lives, always better and more interesting than mine.
Others have more fun in their daily lives.
Others flirt more and they have more people interested in them.
Others always have more friends.
Others are always more active and do more things throughout their every day.
Others.....have these great lives....but again, do they?
After all each one of us tries his/her best to learn how to have a good life, make the most of it and be happy. And like mine, all the other lives are quite the same, with ups and downs. And probably there are no fireworks and confetti all the time. Cause after all that's the way life is. Right, my dear imagination?

I realised we should.....

....choose our lovers/boyfriends/lovers for who they are, for their souls and not the numbers in their bank accounts or because we want to impress/satisfy the others around us

....not give a damn about what others and "society are going to think about us, the things we do and our choices

....accept who we are because it might be a cliche but yes, each one of us is unique and beautiful (and being different from each other or different from the norms makes us even more beautiful)

.....make piece peace with the fact that we can control only a few (oh, very few!) things in life

.....think twice before we talk badly about someone

....have faith, because in the end of the day/week/month/adventure/problem, chances are that something (even the smallest thing) good is going to happen!

"Be like Jean"

The other day I was reading this comic book (X-Men's "What is... the power?" of May 1969), 

until I reached page seven. 

When Jean is attacked, falls down and passes out like a pin up girl, with grace, and afterwards when she's ready to go into battle again everyone admires her for her will and strength.

I thought..."What an example! Be like Jean girls!". Hahaha!

Oh, the girls of the 60's!

"The seawater in my blood"

In life, you try to find your roots. 

Part of mine come from the sea. My grandpa's ancestry was from the island of Andros. 

As I grow up, I feel like my blood is running inside my veins a little bit faster when I' m close to the sea, when I look at her or swim inside her....

Sometimes I stand still and look at the sea, watching all the shades of blue, green and grey that appear on it. The silver cover that the sun and the moon can paint on it! 

And it feels like home....

Thoughts on Deadpool

While watching Deadpool, and after watching it I had some thoughts about it. So, I decided to write them down...!

(not in order)

Here we go:

* No...! Not the unicorn!

* Guys, just go for the girl! She might be into you after all...!

* That "four to five moments" philosophy seems good. 

* Stewart of course...!

* Oh, it's always pleasant to hear and watch X-Men!

* Appearance is not everything.

* You're a good man, Colossus. I can see what Shadowcat finds in you.

* In contrast we trust

(all these action scenes with romantic comedy type of music on the backround, the combination of funny and unhappy moments).

* Even in chaos there is beauty (a.k.a. ending scene).

* Oh, I think that almost everyone would want a boyfriend/girlfriend who would be so matching with him/her, that it would seem like they were specially made with a computer.

* You can be Deadpool-cool only if you don't take yourself too seriously.

* Raise your glass if you're wrong in many ways & let's drink to that!

* One of the most romantic ending scenes ever 

(they were getting each other and that's a great deal)!

* Oh, you just read my thoughts about the absence of more X-Men in the movie!

* That knife stuck in his head... (haha)!

* Rated R was a little bit too much I think. 

* Yes, "Deadpool" is a romantic movie after all (in a certain way it is)!

A thought by Professor X.

'Where Angels Dare to Tread!" (April, 1969)

"Paranoia" (a poem)

I see what's not there

and create a great story

from anything small

I'm lost in hell

expecting nothing more

What may come

is keeping my body frozen

strange talking of my mind

Left in the middle of an empty room

only my mind being there

Long-term company of a moment

paused in time

asking the question again and again

One day I'm going to open my eyes

to a pure mind

The spark and the fire

(image via wikipedia.org)

In three days from now, it's a special anniversary for me. 

It's my one year anniversary and I think that that's the first and the last time I'm going to celebrate it.

One year ago, on the 25th of February, the end begun.

You see, myself back then was a person that didn't open up easily and wasn't letting everyone in. So, when I let someone in and they chose the exit (especially when they could have done it in a much better way, much...!) the end begun. The end of an era. The end of a big part of my life.

(I have written here again and again and again about it. And about all the things that happened during the last year. Humour me with this one.)

As I was saying the end begun. And hard times started. And a chaotic period begun as well. And more bad and unpleasant thing kept coming my way during a whole year. 

And I fighted, I was defeated, I fighted back again, and this happened a few more times. During one year I managed to grow. And changed a lot, I became a better version of me (for myself first of all) and I improved my life. 

2015 was my year of change.

2016 is the year of confidence, of growing even more.

But I think that I really have talked a about all the details of my change, I would like to focus on the anniversary.

Well, every fire needs a spark to start. If there's no spark probably there won't be any fire. I mean, sometimes I'm thinking that if the event of the 25th of February haven't happened, chances are that I wouldn't have done all I've done. Because yes, more things shook me up a lot during the year, but I think that this was the spark.

The spark that started the fire!

Fire can destroy everything, but you can manage to tame it or let it burn and take its time until it's the right time to put it out.

It's in your hand to decide what you're going to do with it! 

And one year after, there are many burnt things, along with a part of myself. All these won't come back to life. Never.

But they gave space to new thing to grow in their place.

Maybe some things were already burnt.

Maybe the new things that grew were always there and they were blocked in some way or waiting for their time. 

And their time started, 25th of February, 2015.

And one year later I am so happy and grateful. 

The way I feel today about myself, my life, all the people and the world around me....

are worth every second of sadness, cry, rage, fighting. 

Totally worth it!

So, I reach to the conclusion that maybe, no one should be afraid or bad things to come, hard times can prove more helpful and precious that you think. And yes, you're going to need to fight, but the truth is that when "shit happens" you have no choice; you're going to fight. And eventually win.

Happy sunny day!

Today I woke up to this wonderful day. Hot and sunny! I love the hours that the sun is up, and when this time of the year comes I love them even more, because just by taking a look outside the window I automatically think:

"Spring is almost here!!!!"

Yes, I feel this way, every year. Usually from the first sunny days of February, I think that spring is almost here.

Spring, birds singing, higher temperature, less clothes, sun's warmth upon my skin, its light filing my eyes (ok, behind the sunglasses most of the times)! When sun is shining I feel more hopeful, like good things are going to happen in the following months (until summer)!

Time to get outside and do some photosynthesis!

Wheeee!

The "l" word behind the closed doors

If you take a look at certain pages on social media, if you pay attention to conversations with others and if you take a good look inside you, you'll probably find a common factor, a feeling. Or is it a word, an idea? Well it certainly has to do with feelings.
It's what you feel when you lay down on your bed late at night, the lack of communication with other people,  or all the thoughts that burst into your mind when you listen to "Lonely Day", by System of a Down (it hits you from the first cords of the song, usually).
It's that feeling that sometimes you can't put it into words or it gets so heavy, creating a hole inside you and making the empty space next to you on the bed or the silence inside your house seem worse than they really are. (There are times that you can feel lonely even when you're around other people,  but that's a story for another post.)
Loneliness is a very bad feeling. It makes you feel empty. And it doesn't only happen when there's no romantic interest in your life; it happens when you don't have someone next to you to talk to and keep company to each other.

And the truth is that every time I read a story or listen to a song about it, I always think that..."hey, if we all feel so lonely sometimes, why don't we find a way to get closer to others?".
Because loneliness can seem bad, but the good thing is that it's a solvable matter. 
So, next time that we feel lonely,  why don't we call someone to talk to, make plans to be around people and meet new ones, or do one of the simplest things in the word: express it!

Rule the world!

Apart from the not-so-good days and the neutral ones, there are the great ones.

Those days that something is different, even if you're not sure what exactly is that.

There are days that you feel like you can rule the world, that everything seems totally possible!

You feel like you can  do all the things that usually scare you. And a ton more...!

The world seems less ugly.

Hope is stronger than ever.

And day-dreaming is the most natural thing in the world!

(gif from giphy.com)

A favorite piece of paper

The thousand words that come with this paper will stay there, 

inside my mind. 

A photo is enough.