It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

Vacation past

Some of the best vacation I had so far were these of my childhood, in Agios Andreas.

Agios Andreas is a village in Peloponnese (Greece), about one and a half hour away from the house where I grew up.

The village is a combination of mountains and sea. Its main part is located on the foot of a mountain and there's also a part of it which is by the sea.

I've been on vacation there, with my family, as long as I can remember myself. I have been there lots of times with my beloved late grandpa, with family friends and my family even made some great friends there, about twenty years ago.

To go there, there's a road, up the hills, with view at the sea.

When you're almost there, there's a small pond (with extremely cold water I must say), with small marbles in the bottom, where the waters are supposed to be therapeutic. There where small turtle in there too, a few years ago.

This pond is continued to a lake, which at some point meets the sea. 

The beaches of Agios Andreas are a combination of small rocks and sand. But I mainly remember the sand. Inside the sea, there are many rocks (which I am afraid of since I was a kid, I can only imagine what lie beneath the rocks, maybe nothing (or just sand as one friend of mine says), but still....) but if you walk/swim for a few meter you'll discover a great sand bottom!

When I was still at school, my family and I used to rent a flat which was only a few meters away from the beach. I was lying down on my bed at noon, on my side, and I was watching the sea...

From that flat, I also remember the smell of the gas cooker while my mother was making coffee or cooking, the smell of Dettol when she was cleaning (and actually Dettol is ever since reminds me of something very pleasant) and the old fashioned sweets we where buying from a pastry shop in the village.

Oh, I love those beaches! I can remember myself playing, reading and swimming there. 

If you take a walk a long the shore, you'll end up on a hill, where there are just a couple of coffee shops and taverns and a small port from where the fishermen of the village go off with their beautiful boats. 

I've had many meals in the tavern on the top. I remember the vintage chairs there where there when I was a kid. And the view from there is just.....dreamy and spectacular! Watching the rocks, in front of you, starting from under your feet and continue until they meet the sea water!

Very precious memories....

and I would love to have a collection of photos to match them, but I preferred a screenshot of a map.

And the collection of photos matching the memories are a great idea for a photography project and one more visit there this summer...!

For now I'm sipping my coffee to the sunny memories and to the photo frames that start forming in my mind!

Reinventing happiness (no.5)

Lately, I've been drawing a lot. 

Usually sitting in my balcony and creatin for hours and hours!

It's the basic thing that makes my mind calm down and reduces the almost constant thinking.

So, following lines and creating beauty, for me!

And color. 

A great part of my abtract art and collages. 

Having depression is like being in a constant state of...grey. It goes from light shades of grey to really really dark ones. And drawing and creating collages is a way for me to add color to my life. 

Every new colored pencil or pen I'm buying is like a choice I make, an addition of a certian scent and shade to a tough time....

Yes, I have obsessive compulsions and constant thoughts, and very bad and dark moments and depression, but I'm still making my choices and trying to make my everyday life better.

Sometimes, I only need a black pen, some colored ones and a good piece of paper!

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!

My mind

My mind.

Well, my mind is heaven and hell. My mind creates beauty, images and art so quickly. My mind tells me that I'm in danger, that this and that are going to harm me if I don't do certain acts. Compulsions protect me, that's what my mind tells me.

My mind usually wins. 

It wins in creation and in paranoia as well. 

There are good days and bad days. Maybe really good ones and a few that are very bad.

y mind is able to imagine whole worlds within minutes. If you give it a phrase it will create an image in seconds. And in the same time it can get stuck for days, weeks, months on a tiny stain or a source of dirt or germs. I'm in danger it says.

That's what the devil inside there says. And the angel answers that I should follow logic, the logical way of thinking. And yes, my obsessions are kind of related to my imagination and my creation. Because when I create I have a certain amount of control over my thoughts and I'm balancing the bad and negative ones.

I love my mind, except from when it makes me reach my limits. What am I doing then? 

Well, I; still trying o figure this one out. Maybe I should stand my ground when it stops cooperating with me. 

You see, sometimes, my so full of imagination mind turns against me.

"The seawater in my blood"

In life, you try to find your roots. 

Part of mine come from the sea. My grandpa's ancestry was from the island of Andros. 

As I grow up, I feel like my blood is running inside my veins a little bit faster when I' m close to the sea, when I look at her or swim inside her....

Sometimes I stand still and look at the sea, watching all the shades of blue, green and grey that appear on it. The silver cover that the sun and the moon can paint on it! 

And it feels like home....

"Paranoia" (a poem)

I see what's not there

and create a great story

from anything small

I'm lost in hell

expecting nothing more

What may come

is keeping my body frozen

strange talking of my mind

Left in the middle of an empty room

only my mind being there

Long-term company of a moment

paused in time

asking the question again and again

One day I'm going to open my eyes

to a pure mind

The spark and the fire

(image via wikipedia.org)

In three days from now, it's a special anniversary for me. 

It's my one year anniversary and I think that that's the first and the last time I'm going to celebrate it.

One year ago, on the 25th of February, the end begun.

You see, myself back then was a person that didn't open up easily and wasn't letting everyone in. So, when I let someone in and they chose the exit (especially when they could have done it in a much better way, much...!) the end begun. The end of an era. The end of a big part of my life.

(I have written here again and again and again about it. And about all the things that happened during the last year. Humour me with this one.)

As I was saying the end begun. And hard times started. And a chaotic period begun as well. And more bad and unpleasant thing kept coming my way during a whole year. 

And I fighted, I was defeated, I fighted back again, and this happened a few more times. During one year I managed to grow. And changed a lot, I became a better version of me (for myself first of all) and I improved my life. 

2015 was my year of change.

2016 is the year of confidence, of growing even more.

But I think that I really have talked a about all the details of my change, I would like to focus on the anniversary.

Well, every fire needs a spark to start. If there's no spark probably there won't be any fire. I mean, sometimes I'm thinking that if the event of the 25th of February haven't happened, chances are that I wouldn't have done all I've done. Because yes, more things shook me up a lot during the year, but I think that this was the spark.

The spark that started the fire!

Fire can destroy everything, but you can manage to tame it or let it burn and take its time until it's the right time to put it out.

It's in your hand to decide what you're going to do with it! 

And one year after, there are many burnt things, along with a part of myself. All these won't come back to life. Never.

But they gave space to new thing to grow in their place.

Maybe some things were already burnt.

Maybe the new things that grew were always there and they were blocked in some way or waiting for their time. 

And their time started, 25th of February, 2015.

And one year later I am so happy and grateful. 

The way I feel today about myself, my life, all the people and the world around me....

are worth every second of sadness, cry, rage, fighting. 

Totally worth it!

So, I reach to the conclusion that maybe, no one should be afraid or bad things to come, hard times can prove more helpful and precious that you think. And yes, you're going to need to fight, but the truth is that when "shit happens" you have no choice; you're going to fight. And eventually win.

Happy sunny day!

Today I woke up to this wonderful day. Hot and sunny! I love the hours that the sun is up, and when this time of the year comes I love them even more, because just by taking a look outside the window I automatically think:

"Spring is almost here!!!!"

Yes, I feel this way, every year. Usually from the first sunny days of February, I think that spring is almost here.

Spring, birds singing, higher temperature, less clothes, sun's warmth upon my skin, its light filing my eyes (ok, behind the sunglasses most of the times)! When sun is shining I feel more hopeful, like good things are going to happen in the following months (until summer)!

Time to get outside and do some photosynthesis!

Wheeee!

The "l" word behind the closed doors

If you take a look at certain pages on social media, if you pay attention to conversations with others and if you take a good look inside you, you'll probably find a common factor, a feeling. Or is it a word, an idea? Well it certainly has to do with feelings.
It's what you feel when you lay down on your bed late at night, the lack of communication with other people,  or all the thoughts that burst into your mind when you listen to "Lonely Day", by System of a Down (it hits you from the first cords of the song, usually).
It's that feeling that sometimes you can't put it into words or it gets so heavy, creating a hole inside you and making the empty space next to you on the bed or the silence inside your house seem worse than they really are. (There are times that you can feel lonely even when you're around other people,  but that's a story for another post.)
Loneliness is a very bad feeling. It makes you feel empty. And it doesn't only happen when there's no romantic interest in your life; it happens when you don't have someone next to you to talk to and keep company to each other.

And the truth is that every time I read a story or listen to a song about it, I always think that..."hey, if we all feel so lonely sometimes, why don't we find a way to get closer to others?".
Because loneliness can seem bad, but the good thing is that it's a solvable matter. 
So, next time that we feel lonely,  why don't we call someone to talk to, make plans to be around people and meet new ones, or do one of the simplest things in the word: express it!

Rule the world!

Apart from the not-so-good days and the neutral ones, there are the great ones.

Those days that something is different, even if you're not sure what exactly is that.

There are days that you feel like you can rule the world, that everything seems totally possible!

You feel like you can  do all the things that usually scare you. And a ton more...!

The world seems less ugly.

Hope is stronger than ever.

And day-dreaming is the most natural thing in the world!

(gif from giphy.com)

A favorite piece of paper

The thousand words that come with this paper will stay there, 

inside my mind. 

A photo is enough.

"I fear the most" (a poem)

I'm afraid
keep me close
What's going to come
I fear the most

I am scared
so hug me tight
I'll need your help
to stay in line

Unknown things
reach my mind

Two photos, almost ten months apart

Sometimes is nice to look back and compare the past with the present. 

See how things have changed. 

A few minutes ago a painting on my wall caught my eye and and I started thinking how a photograph can reflect how you feel at a certain period of time.

So, here's a comparison.....

1.

That's one of my paintings for my "Wrath Project" (and the one on my wall right now). 

It was done about 10 months ago. Apart from the variety of red shades, I used a knife, a razor and a pair of scissors for this one. 

And it was reflecting my inside so well at that point.....! I can still remember the feeling today, just by looking at it.

And here's the present.....

2.

All these colors, this pretty thing with the confetti (accidentally) on top of it, oh my...! 

There's always a pinch of black, but brighter colors rule these days.

Colorful things and big doses of joy. 

Pretty well done......!

I am (part two)

I am turning 27 soon

(basically in some hours).

I am someone who's mind doesn't cooperate sometimes and it makes me freak out, making me believe I might have o.c.d. (must check this out).

I am a strong believer of the ugliness of the world we live in, so I try to create my own microcosm with pinches of positivity and fairydust.

I am now filling what love means.

I'm learning to speak my mind for real.

I'm trying to look at myself from a fresh point of view.

I am doing my best for the things I like and love, but I'm not giving my 100% for these that I don't really want.

I'm crying sometimes when I think of certain things I have accomplished or things and people I didn't have in my life in the past, but now I do!

I am saying to myself that "it's ok, you're human after all" whenever I feel bad or stupid for something I have done or said

(we don't need extra guilt and shame coming from ourselves).

I am an adult and I am now able to keep my calm when a certain problem occurs

(at least much more than I used to).

I am an adult and I can make my own choices.

I am more liberated and happier than I used to be one year ago

(and maybe two years, three years, twenty seven years?!).

I am expecting more.

Dear 2015....

I'm glad I met you. I really am. I might even be grateful that you came. A few days ago I accidentally found myself going through my facebook (a.k.a. the version of our lives for others to see) posts, thoughts and photos and it felt like another life. Like I used to have a life and now I have another one, a new one.

2015....you crushed me. You totally did. I felt I was betrayed by a couple of people. I felt I reached my limits quite a few times (four to be exact). I felt lonely, many times. I felt so disappointed. I felt I was stuck. I felt so insecure (a lot!). I felt fear. I felt the loss of my faith to things and people. I felt the chaos that was my life for a few months. 

2015.... while you were here I broke and reassembled myself, not one, but a couple of times (or more).

2015.....you marked me. I changed (or better I evolved), because I basically had no choice to do otherwise. And maybe after all it was the time for change.

2015....during your stay I managed to do some things:

* I met many new people!

* I made new friends!

* I exited my comfort zone!

* I created good relationships with other people!

* I had the chance to feel how having a hard crush on someone feels like!

* I made a band!

* I made new things for my career!

* I made new plans for my career and my life in general!

* I created many pieces of art!

* I wrote many poems, articles, lyrics for songs, texts, posts!

* I became more social!

* I learned that you never know what's coming next in life!

* I learned that you can survive a lot as a human being in life!

* I turned from being a "vase" made of thin glass that breaks easily to being a "wall" (with cracks, but still a wall)!

* I learned how to express what I feel in a much better way!

* I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking and over-feeling, but I managed to turn all that energy into art and in general control my feelings and thoughts more than I used to in the past!

* I finally got over false ideas about my appearance (special thanks to a friend for that)!

* I cut ties with things and people that were more harming than good for me or that they didn't make me feel ok!

* Now I feel ok with being me, much more than I used to to in the past!

2015....I'm still working on things, learning and try to become a better person.

2015....sometimes I feel like I really started to LIVE my life while you were here (even though many bad stuff happened, but I turned them into better ones), so I guess I'm saying goodbye kink of whimsically!

Love, a hug and a kiss on the cheek!

Angelina  

            

My trust to others

For the ones that make me believe again....

(image source here)

I'm going to be clear from the beginning.

I don't trust other people. 

I was raised with the idea that everyone is a good person (my mother grew up with the same idea, so she basically had no choice about what she was going to teach us). 

When I was younger I was trusting others, a lot! But many people started showing their true self at some point, so I kind of started to expect that some people may not be what they seem. Many times in the past I pinned my hopes on other people and in the end they let me down.

Until today, the examples of not trust worthy people that have been (or are) in my life are a couple (few, many....) and they cost me....

They cost me to change from trusting others to believe that you must count only to yourself. 

Kind of sad, yes. 

I still have expectations but in the back of my mind I always have the sense that something will go wrong. 

But the past couple of months I think I have started to believe again....

Yes, there are many....how should I put it, well.....there are many not trustworthy and some even shitty people out there in the world, but some others that will be worth your trust and they're going to prove their value. They're going to be the reminder that there's something good out there.... The proportion of trustworthy and not trustworthy people might be uneven but it's almost a blessing when you find the good ones....

Lost faith

It was an afternoon in December 2015, when I realized that I have lost my faith in good things happening. 

And it was shocking and scary.

My childhood self, and even my teenage self, were imagining that beautiful things are going to come! Ultra happy moments, fairytale love (the Beauty and the Beast version, please), a great life, and things that would surprise me...!

Years started going by and things weren't going the way I wanted them. 

Unicorns don't exist, but life can still surprise you, right?! Maybe not after all...

 I say that we're the ones that can create happiness and I believe in it. But if you think about it there's a hidden truth inside this philosophy/quote. I don't expect life to bring me magic, so I try to create it myself. And all the years that have passed since the days I was a child or a teenager proved me that beautiful things you dream about don't usually come. 

Most of the times (ok, there are the rare situations that good surprises happen, but, they're extremely rare) the pattern that has been happening for quite a few years is: I expect something, it doesn't come, the sense of futility stays with me! Sounds like fun...not!

 I try to create magic and I succeed many times, but this is just me taking control. Me trying to create the life I want, because you can't expect anyone else to do it for you (oh, that's lack of faith in others too,  but that's a different story for another post).

So, that afternoon in December came when I realized that deep inside, I'm prepared for the bad things to come. I believe more in the bad things that are going to come and not in the beautiful unexpected ones. When I'm in a certain situation my belief that things aren't going to go the way I want them is much stronger than my hope for a good ending. Pretty disappointing to realize that you've reached that point...yes it is!

 And the question is....

can you repair your faith about something like this?

The four letter word

This word is so small, but still can take you to heaven, magic places, hell and crush you.

It takes only an "l", an "o", a "v" and an "e". And everything out of a sudden makes sense. Or better, it doesn't make sense! 

You live your life, you're fine, you do the things you like, you meet new people, things in your life start falling into place, you...wait what was that before the things that fall into place?! Oh, you meet new people....and one of these new people might mean more than the others for you, right?

Welcome to the twilight zone!

We've been expecting you for the last 27 years of your life.....

So, prepare yourself for these powerful four letters (boo!)!

* Four letters that will make you go from "logic lover" to "prisoner of feelings". 

(You've been always a fan of logic and you were always trying to keep your feelings under control, but no, this time it's over! Your brain is going to ignore all the thoughts like "You should't like this person because you're going to ruin this and that". Feelings! A lot them!)

* Four letters that will make you think about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you speak about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you not being able to look at the other person's eyes for too long.

* Four letters that will make something inside you die a little bit each time you think about the chance that in the end nothing might happen between you two.

* Four letters that will make you smile a lot.

* Four letters that are going to bring a instant smile to your face when you lay your eyes upon this person.

* Four letters that will make this person seem sooo beautiful in your eyes.

* Four letters that will make you try to keep it together each time you're meeting this person.

* Four letters that will make you being unable to concentrate like you used to do.

* Four letters that will make you feel really uncomfortable because you're going to lose a big amount of your self-control.

* Four letters that will make you go from super-happiness to super-blues (and vice versa).

* Four letters that are definitely worth the risk of acting and expressing how you feel at some point. 

* Four letters that will make you feel like you're riding a roller coaster

(you might reach the top and stay there, or you might fall unexpectedly, it depends on whether the other person is going to feel the same way or not actually).

* Four letters that will make that song you already liked so much, making total sense....!

It goes like....

....and everything is dark and kind of scary

and you crave the full moon, but I don't care...

"You walk like a zombie" - Horrorpops

Exorcising your demons

It happened on day during my theatrical play session. We had a piece of paper which supposed to be a letter that said that someone had died and left us a big amount of money in his will. So, we had to react to the bad news of death and to the good news of the will.

Without thinking about it much, I decided to use one of my greatest fears (which is my mother dying, I'm so afraid of the things and feelings that this will bring one day). And so I did, I took the piece of paper, I read it, I creased it and then threw it away while saying "What am I supposed to do with the money? I just want my mother back!".

It felt really good. I had taken one of my greatest fears, had put it in front me and faced it!

After that incident I realized how useful it is to face your demons by using them in everyday life, bit by bit, a small (or not so small) battle each time. 

A small exorcism each time....