Reinventing happiness (no.2)

Today I watched "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" (and the movie following it, "The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"). It's about a hotel in India and its elderly guests. 

All  this color....!! Shades of yellow, and red, and blue, and purple, and green, and almost every other color that exists! And all the fine embroidery on the fabrics and clothes! All the beautiful patterns in architecture, jewelry and on any element that catches your eye! Well, it's a Hollywood movie after all, it can't be 100% accurate to the real thing, but still looks amazing!

You look at all these beautiful things and you can't help but think that if there's so much color to lighten up the world, the world can't be a very bad place. At least not always....

Plus the idea of travelling and getting to know different cultures, seeing new things, taste, smell.... I should travel someday....! But maybe watch some trevelling documentaries for now.

(image source: imdb.com)

P.S. Those beautiful couple of lines in the end of the second movie, spoeken by Muriel Donnelly (the character of Maggie Smith):

"You have no idea now what you will become, 

don't try to control it. 

Let go.

That's when the fun starts."

Photo of the day!

Reinventing happiness (no.1)

You know these people that are able to find small pieces of happiness in their everyday life. A cute bird standing on top of a tree, a beautiful colored flower, the amazingly shaped clouds in the sky, etc. I used to be one of them. 

Until I wasn't any more. 

It started out slowly, it was more and more difficult for me to notice those  tiny bits of beauty. And it took only a few months to end up with depression. Me, that my philosophy is that happiness is a way of life and a life's goal, having depression. In combination with my obsessive compulsions that after 10 years have made my everyday routines so hard! 

So, I'm standing here today, feeling sad most of the time, not feeling like my usual self anymore, not being able to normaly do simple things (it's hard due to my obsessive compulsion even to move properly inside my ow house sometimes and sometimes it's even hard to get out of bed), feeling very anxious when I'm outside (because the next trigger might be waiting around the corner, right?!), not being able to dream and set goals like I used to, having thoughts  of self harm and a few more things. Oh, among all the above I'm giving my 120% to feel better. I do literary the best I can. Plus, the help I'm getting from my psychologist. And there's a chance of visiting a psychiatrist too, soon.

What's helping me the most in this difficult time is a small three-letter-word with much power: art. I'm lucky enough to be an artist. I'm using words, color, photography, music, drawing, singing, jewelry design, to express myself and basically breath. And I'm using the word "lucky" because it's pure luck to being able to deal with situations like mental health problems using art! 

One particular thing I have noticed lately is that even through hard times like these, I'm finding myself feeling deeply passionate about art in certain situations. Sometimes it's a concert, others a song or a movie. And this caught me thinking that....what if I could beat my depression and obsessive compulsions through art?! Always in combination with therapy of course. 

What if I could feel better using art (creating, admiring, studying) and in a way... reinvent my happiness?!

Morticia & survival (a quote)

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!