"The night I met a goblin" (a poem)

That's today's contribution to #mabsdrawlloweenclub!

Theme of day 5: goblin!

"The devil in the mirror" (a poem)

This is my piece for today, for #mabsdrawlloweenclub.

Day 4: devil.

Project no.13: "Red childhood" (a still life project)

Updating life....

In life... you never actually know what comes next.

You may trying to relax, get in control of your o.c.d., create, and suddenly big trouble can appear. This time the trouble was pretty hot, like a fire in the workplace of my mother (a.k.a. the provider of my expenses) and my brother. 

So, for a period of time life has me living back to my parent's house.

And trying to bring out the best out of it...!

"A memory photo slide"

Project no.12: "The sun & the shadow"

Project no.11: "The minimalism in the light"

It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

The experiment between black and white

About tree weeks ago, I did my first photo exhibition.

It was part of a color themed evening, combined with a theatrical performance and art activities.

The exhibition's photo collection was a combiation of portraits and still life full, exploring color and the city of Athens.

I had a few photo that (due to space) didn't make the final cut.

And today as I was looking at them and thinking oof posting them on my photography's Facebook page, I thought 

"what if these shots that supposed to be in color, where turned into grayscale?!".

So, I worked on them and turned them into black and white. 

And I think that the experiment is quite interesting....

Vacation past

Some of the best vacation I had so far were these of my childhood, in Agios Andreas.

Agios Andreas is a village in Peloponnese (Greece), about one and a half hour away from the house where I grew up.

The village is a combination of mountains and sea. Its main part is located on the foot of a mountain and there's also a part of it which is by the sea.

I've been on vacation there, with my family, as long as I can remember myself. I have been there lots of times with my beloved late grandpa, with family friends and my family even made some great friends there, about twenty years ago.

To go there, there's a road, up the hills, with view at the sea.

When you're almost there, there's a small pond (with extremely cold water I must say), with small marbles in the bottom, where the waters are supposed to be therapeutic. There where small turtle in there too, a few years ago.

This pond is continued to a lake, which at some point meets the sea. 

The beaches of Agios Andreas are a combination of small rocks and sand. But I mainly remember the sand. Inside the sea, there are many rocks (which I am afraid of since I was a kid, I can only imagine what lie beneath the rocks, maybe nothing (or just sand as one friend of mine says), but still....) but if you walk/swim for a few meter you'll discover a great sand bottom!

When I was still at school, my family and I used to rent a flat which was only a few meters away from the beach. I was lying down on my bed at noon, on my side, and I was watching the sea...

From that flat, I also remember the smell of the gas cooker while my mother was making coffee or cooking, the smell of Dettol when she was cleaning (and actually Dettol is ever since reminds me of something very pleasant) and the old fashioned sweets we where buying from a pastry shop in the village.

Oh, I love those beaches! I can remember myself playing, reading and swimming there. 

If you take a walk a long the shore, you'll end up on a hill, where there are just a couple of coffee shops and taverns and a small port from where the fishermen of the village go off with their beautiful boats. 

I've had many meals in the tavern on the top. I remember the vintage chairs there where there when I was a kid. And the view from there is just.....dreamy and spectacular! Watching the rocks, in front of you, starting from under your feet and continue until they meet the sea water!

Very precious memories....

and I would love to have a collection of photos to match them, but I preferred a screenshot of a map.

And the collection of photos matching the memories are a great idea for a photography project and one more visit there this summer...!

For now I'm sipping my coffee to the sunny memories and to the photo frames that start forming in my mind!

Reinventing happiness (no.5)

Lately, I've been drawing a lot. 

Usually sitting in my balcony and creatin for hours and hours!

It's the basic thing that makes my mind calm down and reduces the almost constant thinking.

So, following lines and creating beauty, for me!

And color. 

A great part of my abtract art and collages. 

Having depression is like being in a constant state of...grey. It goes from light shades of grey to really really dark ones. And drawing and creating collages is a way for me to add color to my life. 

Every new colored pencil or pen I'm buying is like a choice I make, an addition of a certian scent and shade to a tough time....

Yes, I have obsessive compulsions and constant thoughts, and very bad and dark moments and depression, but I'm still making my choices and trying to make my everyday life better.

Sometimes, I only need a black pen, some colored ones and a good piece of paper!

"Yellow Glass" (a photo)

Reinventing happiness (no.4)

I'm creating abstract art for some years now. 

Lately, I try to draw my mental situation. The other day I did an abstract drawing of my mind and the weights that keeping it in the place where it is these days....

Well, trying to recreate your mental state and exact feelings is quite hard and a little bit tricky...!

Trying to give the piece the best accuracy.

Plus, it feels good and kind of weird in the same time, seeing the way you feel on paper. 

It' like your feelings and thougths turn into objects, flesh and bones, paper and ink!

Reinventing happiness (no.3)

I'm a big fan of crime literature, movie and series. 

Lately, I'm trying to read and watch a little lighter stuff, not too gore. Too much violence can't be very good for depression and anxiety. But, still, can't stop reading and watching mystery and crime!

So, one of the things I'm doing is watching Agatha Christie's Miss Marple and Poirot.

Delicate stories, beautiful scenery and places, 

nice clothes and interiors, and that vintage era...!

Crime stories and glimpses of previous eras!

Soothing and in the same time keeping you a very very pleasant "company"!

photos: imdb.com

Reinventing happiness (no.2)

Today I watched "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" (and the movie following it, "The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"). It's about a hotel in India and its elderly guests. 

All  this color....!! Shades of yellow, and red, and blue, and purple, and green, and almost every other color that exists! And all the fine embroidery on the fabrics and clothes! All the beautiful patterns in architecture, jewelry and on any element that catches your eye! Well, it's a Hollywood movie after all, it can't be 100% accurate to the real thing, but still looks amazing!

You look at all these beautiful things and you can't help but think that if there's so much color to lighten up the world, the world can't be a very bad place. At least not always....

Plus the idea of travelling and getting to know different cultures, seeing new things, taste, smell.... I should travel someday....! But maybe watch some trevelling documentaries for now.

(image source: imdb.com)

P.S. Those beautiful couple of lines in the end of the second movie, spoeken by Muriel Donnelly (the character of Maggie Smith):

"You have no idea now what you will become, 

don't try to control it. 

Let go.

That's when the fun starts."

Photo of the day!

Reinventing happiness (no.1)

You know these people that are able to find small pieces of happiness in their everyday life. A cute bird standing on top of a tree, a beautiful colored flower, the amazingly shaped clouds in the sky, etc. I used to be one of them. 

Until I wasn't any more. 

It started out slowly, it was more and more difficult for me to notice those  tiny bits of beauty. And it took only a few months to end up with depression. Me, that my philosophy is that happiness is a way of life and a life's goal, having depression. In combination with my obsessive compulsions that after 10 years have made my everyday routines so hard! 

So, I'm standing here today, feeling sad most of the time, not feeling like my usual self anymore, not being able to normaly do simple things (it's hard due to my obsessive compulsion even to move properly inside my ow house sometimes and sometimes it's even hard to get out of bed), feeling very anxious when I'm outside (because the next trigger might be waiting around the corner, right?!), not being able to dream and set goals like I used to, having thoughts  of self harm and a few more things. Oh, among all the above I'm giving my 120% to feel better. I do literary the best I can. Plus, the help I'm getting from my psychologist. And there's a chance of visiting a psychiatrist too, soon.

What's helping me the most in this difficult time is a small three-letter-word with much power: art. I'm lucky enough to be an artist. I'm using words, color, photography, music, drawing, singing, jewelry design, to express myself and basically breath. And I'm using the word "lucky" because it's pure luck to being able to deal with situations like mental health problems using art! 

One particular thing I have noticed lately is that even through hard times like these, I'm finding myself feeling deeply passionate about art in certain situations. Sometimes it's a concert, others a song or a movie. And this caught me thinking that....what if I could beat my depression and obsessive compulsions through art?! Always in combination with therapy of course. 

What if I could feel better using art (creating, admiring, studying) and in a way... reinvent my happiness?!

Morticia & survival (a quote)

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!

"Weekend" (a photo)

"Eros breaks his bow"

How a different perspective can change the way you look at something

& the beauty of a 3D work of art with its different angles....

* "Eros breaks his bow",

by Georgios Vroutos,

1896