Dear 2015....

I'm glad I met you. I really am. I might even be grateful that you came. A few days ago I accidentally found myself going through my facebook (a.k.a. the version of our lives for others to see) posts, thoughts and photos and it felt like another life. Like I used to have a life and now I have another one, a new one.

2015....you crushed me. You totally did. I felt I was betrayed by a couple of people. I felt I reached my limits quite a few times (four to be exact). I felt lonely, many times. I felt so disappointed. I felt I was stuck. I felt so insecure (a lot!). I felt fear. I felt the loss of my faith to things and people. I felt the chaos that was my life for a few months. 

2015.... while you were here I broke and reassembled myself, not one, but a couple of times (or more).

2015.....you marked me. I changed (or better I evolved), because I basically had no choice to do otherwise. And maybe after all it was the time for change.

2015....during your stay I managed to do some things:

* I met many new people!

* I made new friends!

* I exited my comfort zone!

* I created good relationships with other people!

* I had the chance to feel how having a hard crush on someone feels like!

* I made a band!

* I made new things for my career!

* I made new plans for my career and my life in general!

* I created many pieces of art!

* I wrote many poems, articles, lyrics for songs, texts, posts!

* I became more social!

* I learned that you never know what's coming next in life!

* I learned that you can survive a lot as a human being in life!

* I turned from being a "vase" made of thin glass that breaks easily to being a "wall" (with cracks, but still a wall)!

* I learned how to express what I feel in a much better way!

* I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking and over-feeling, but I managed to turn all that energy into art and in general control my feelings and thoughts more than I used to in the past!

* I finally got over false ideas about my appearance (special thanks to a friend for that)!

* I cut ties with things and people that were more harming than good for me or that they didn't make me feel ok!

* Now I feel ok with being me, much more than I used to to in the past!

2015....I'm still working on things, learning and try to become a better person.

2015....sometimes I feel like I really started to LIVE my life while you were here (even though many bad stuff happened, but I turned them into better ones), so I guess I'm saying goodbye kink of whimsically!

Love, a hug and a kiss on the cheek!

Angelina  

            

My trust to others

For the ones that make me believe again....

(image source here)

I'm going to be clear from the beginning.

I don't trust other people. 

I was raised with the idea that everyone is a good person (my mother grew up with the same idea, so she basically had no choice about what she was going to teach us). 

When I was younger I was trusting others, a lot! But many people started showing their true self at some point, so I kind of started to expect that some people may not be what they seem. Many times in the past I pinned my hopes on other people and in the end they let me down.

Until today, the examples of not trust worthy people that have been (or are) in my life are a couple (few, many....) and they cost me....

They cost me to change from trusting others to believe that you must count only to yourself. 

Kind of sad, yes. 

I still have expectations but in the back of my mind I always have the sense that something will go wrong. 

But the past couple of months I think I have started to believe again....

Yes, there are many....how should I put it, well.....there are many not trustworthy and some even shitty people out there in the world, but some others that will be worth your trust and they're going to prove their value. They're going to be the reminder that there's something good out there.... The proportion of trustworthy and not trustworthy people might be uneven but it's almost a blessing when you find the good ones....

Lost faith

It was an afternoon in December 2015, when I realized that I have lost my faith in good things happening. 

And it was shocking and scary.

My childhood self, and even my teenage self, were imagining that beautiful things are going to come! Ultra happy moments, fairytale love (the Beauty and the Beast version, please), a great life, and things that would surprise me...!

Years started going by and things weren't going the way I wanted them. 

Unicorns don't exist, but life can still surprise you, right?! Maybe not after all...

 I say that we're the ones that can create happiness and I believe in it. But if you think about it there's a hidden truth inside this philosophy/quote. I don't expect life to bring me magic, so I try to create it myself. And all the years that have passed since the days I was a child or a teenager proved me that beautiful things you dream about don't usually come. 

Most of the times (ok, there are the rare situations that good surprises happen, but, they're extremely rare) the pattern that has been happening for quite a few years is: I expect something, it doesn't come, the sense of futility stays with me! Sounds like fun...not!

 I try to create magic and I succeed many times, but this is just me taking control. Me trying to create the life I want, because you can't expect anyone else to do it for you (oh, that's lack of faith in others too,  but that's a different story for another post).

So, that afternoon in December came when I realized that deep inside, I'm prepared for the bad things to come. I believe more in the bad things that are going to come and not in the beautiful unexpected ones. When I'm in a certain situation my belief that things aren't going to go the way I want them is much stronger than my hope for a good ending. Pretty disappointing to realize that you've reached that point...yes it is!

 And the question is....

can you repair your faith about something like this?

The four letter word

This word is so small, but still can take you to heaven, magic places, hell and crush you.

It takes only an "l", an "o", a "v" and an "e". And everything out of a sudden makes sense. Or better, it doesn't make sense! 

You live your life, you're fine, you do the things you like, you meet new people, things in your life start falling into place, you...wait what was that before the things that fall into place?! Oh, you meet new people....and one of these new people might mean more than the others for you, right?

Welcome to the twilight zone!

We've been expecting you for the last 27 years of your life.....

So, prepare yourself for these powerful four letters (boo!)!

* Four letters that will make you go from "logic lover" to "prisoner of feelings". 

(You've been always a fan of logic and you were always trying to keep your feelings under control, but no, this time it's over! Your brain is going to ignore all the thoughts like "You should't like this person because you're going to ruin this and that". Feelings! A lot them!)

* Four letters that will make you think about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you speak about this person (almost?) constantly.

* Four letters that will make you not being able to look at the other person's eyes for too long.

* Four letters that will make something inside you die a little bit each time you think about the chance that in the end nothing might happen between you two.

* Four letters that will make you smile a lot.

* Four letters that are going to bring a instant smile to your face when you lay your eyes upon this person.

* Four letters that will make this person seem sooo beautiful in your eyes.

* Four letters that will make you try to keep it together each time you're meeting this person.

* Four letters that will make you being unable to concentrate like you used to do.

* Four letters that will make you feel really uncomfortable because you're going to lose a big amount of your self-control.

* Four letters that will make you go from super-happiness to super-blues (and vice versa).

* Four letters that are definitely worth the risk of acting and expressing how you feel at some point. 

* Four letters that will make you feel like you're riding a roller coaster

(you might reach the top and stay there, or you might fall unexpectedly, it depends on whether the other person is going to feel the same way or not actually).

* Four letters that will make that song you already liked so much, making total sense....!

It goes like....

....and everything is dark and kind of scary

and you crave the full moon, but I don't care...

"You walk like a zombie" - Horrorpops

Fight (or not)?

To a friend

 (I wish you could do what you wanted today)....

We all have our issues. Minor or major.

And we all have the days that we're ok and those that we would like to stay at home, in bed maybe, and just do...nothing!

 In case you're one of the lucky ones who have the opportunty to make a choice, 

what would you do on the bad days?

Stay in bed, with only your thoughts to keep you company?

Or would you.....react, get up, move, create, fight...?!

It's basically a choice, right?

To fight, even if you don't know if you're going to win in the end.

To try and do the best you can.

"Demon, demon, in my mind" (a poem)

Demon, demon, in my mind,

who's the bravest to survive?

Lost in time and space 

only thinking of your embrace

I slightly breath

near the heartbreak

Will you acompany me at last?

"I forgot to live" (a poem & a song)

And I forgot to live

And until this day I die

You tell me I shouldn't cry,

but I can't

And I forgot to live

Took that turn so wrong

I couldn't be strong,

and lost everything

Exorcising your demons

It happened on day during my theatrical play session. We had a piece of paper which supposed to be a letter that said that someone had died and left us a big amount of money in his will. So, we had to react to the bad news of death and to the good news of the will.

Without thinking about it much, I decided to use one of my greatest fears (which is my mother dying, I'm so afraid of the things and feelings that this will bring one day). And so I did, I took the piece of paper, I read it, I creased it and then threw it away while saying "What am I supposed to do with the money? I just want my mother back!".

It felt really good. I had taken one of my greatest fears, had put it in front me and faced it!

After that incident I realized how useful it is to face your demons by using them in everyday life, bit by bit, a small (or not so small) battle each time. 

A small exorcism each time....

Time

(image: onpoint.wbur.org)

I'm not good with time.

I used to be very late (now I'm just a little bit late and only sometimes) for anything I had to do, I always try to do more things than I can during the day, 

and most importantly of all....I'm definitely not one of the patient people.

Actually, when I want something I want it.....as quickly as possible. 

And when I don't get what I want quickly enough, I start thinking and analyzing and obssessing and well, I have his thing when I usually can't stop my brain from working, not even pausing for a while!

But, patience is the key sometimes. 

(I'm taking a deep breath while writting the phrase above).

Still, I haven't accept it. But I try. And lately I try even more. 

You see when you have to wait for something, unpleasant thoughts wake up. 

When you have to wait you start thinking that you basically don't have any control over certain things.

When you have to wait thoughts of failure (or not getting the thing you wanted in the first place) make their appearance.

When you have to wait....it feels like time starts to move in such a weird way.

But in life, there's always something more to learn and for me dealing with time it's probablly the last task for 2015....

(keep on trying and working, even if this makes you uncomfortable, right?!).

Sentimental survivor

(image: prwua.org)

 Remembering myself, even as a child, I have this image of a very sensitive person. As long as I can remember I was feeling too fragile, many situations were looking enormous to my eyes, I was crying more easily than the kids around me and at the point that I started having the basic idea that we all grow up and become adults one day....well then, I started thinking "how am I going to survive?". 

This thought continued during my adolescence. 

How was I going to survive in life being so sensitive?

Then adulthood came and at some point I started the procedure of toughening up myself. 

It failed. Gloriously! I basically ended up depressed for some months. I still remember that time.These were the days when I was at home, watching TV and not doing anything. During that period, three to four times a day, out of the blue, I was starting sobbing so hard. I was feeling that all the feelings I had suppressed for a couple of years were coming all together or that all the ugliness in the world was gathering herself inside me. 

I managed to get over it and started a procedure (that is continued until today) of accepting my feelings, my sensitivity and the fact that I am so fragile. Studying singing and having to perform and express myself helped a lot. Until one day (about one year after the depression), while working on one of my songs an image came to my mind. It was the point when I felt to the core how deeply I could feel. And the image was one of a very deep tunnel that had no end, you could only see darkness....

Today, I have managed to put all my energy and my feelings to my art (plus keeping a part of them for the people in my life). That's the way I survive and don't go mad from over-feeling and over-thinking. 

And lately, one day, I saw light in the end of the tunnel. 

So, the key to survival was to accept the way I was made.... 

I guess one day I'm going to accept it 100%.

One day.....

Looking at yourself through the eyes of others

 I've been insecure for as long as I can remember myself.

Insecure about my appearance, about the things I create, about others (if they like me or not).

I'm sure you've heard this story before. You might have heard it inside your personal thoughts as well.

Insecurity: the thought of doubt, these thoughts that make you think that you're inferior than others.

Insecurity is a kind of fear.

Insecurity can hold you back sometimes. Can stop you from following a dream or expressing how you feel to someone. 

I know all these well enough.

But sometimes....magic happens!

And it happens when you start looking at yourself through the eyes of others.
A comment coming from someone outside yourself can make the difference, help you see things you couldn't notice when looking in the mirror, gives you a break from your own point of view, gives you a new perspective on things.

Magic happened for me when I started showing more of my art to others and the first positive comments came. For example, people were looking at my drawings (which I was looking at for years wondering if they're even considered art) and were commenting on how I manage to draw so flawless lines. Positive comments about one of the first songs I wrote were made (about the melody and the lyrics) too. These things might seem meaningless to some, but to me were the first signs that I must be good after all....

Lately, I try to work on my insecurities about my appearance and have started talking to a few close friends about them. And it wasn't until today, when a friend made such comments when I told her about how I really feel about the way I look, that I started thinking that I might have been looking at myself the wrong way for a long time..... 

Sometimes it takes only a fresh pair of eyes (and definitely not yours) to look at the reflection in the mirror in a more objective way...

Tell the devil I said "hi" (a poem)

Tell the devil I said "hi"

I remember the time he was chasing me 

and I had no place to hide

Give him my regards

I no longer need my older guards

Tell the devil I still wonder,

why did he spent so much time with me

After all, I'm no special wonder

I was once on the ground,

but now I'm just waiting for the next round

Broken (people)

For the days that "black holes" appear

and for those that you are able to write a poem with the phrase "tell the devil I said 'hi' ".......

Today, I have mostly questions. 

Some thoughts and events as well, but I'm going to keep them inside my head for now.

In life, we, people break.

Sometimes we break into millions of pieces....

Can we really piece back together ourselves?

Is there any chance that after reassembling ourselves we're going to be the same as we were before?

How much strength do we really have inside us?

Is there always something left from our wounds? Reminders....?

How much strength do you need to rise from your own ashes?

You probably never forget the "black holes" you have fallen into...

You can never change your true nature, right? At least not 100%....

Are there forever broken people?

(Because there are people who break more easily than others, that's for sure......)

P.S. I always trust those who tell you straight to your face that they were broken once or even that they still try to reassemble themselves. I believe that they worth a lot, they have managed to face themselves, their demons, they have fighted and that's what makes them have great souls.

"Dear Santa"

Dear Santa,
  (erase)

Dear Life,

     December is here and as always I'm thinking about the year that comes to an end. Plus it's time for my wish. 

     I got it, ok, in life you can never know what's going to happen for sure. Many bad things can happen. Only you can create "magic". You can live even when people you used to love aren't in your life anymore. You're stronger than you think. You shouldn't lose your faith in people, because there will be those that will prove you wrong. There's so much beauty in the world. 

    I don't know if you remember my last year's letter, but this year I'm an other version of myself. From being the person that couldn't look other in the eye (because I was feeling uncomfortable thinking that they could see inside my soul), I now know that what really counts is what people have inside their soul. Now, I'm doing things that I love (or adore, is that a better word?!). Now, I know what I really really want from my life and others around me. I'm grateful for what I have, for the things I lost and found again and for the brand new ones I've gained.

    So, as for my wish......I want two things. The one is to have my own creep. My own special creep. I think it's time, don't you think? I have been through enough and some outside-from-my magic-zone happiness would be wonderful! You know that I want simple things that in the same time are the fairydust in reality. A creep that will be there, a creep that will hold your hand sometimes is all you need. Sometimes you only want to "enjoy the silence", because "words are meaningless".

    Secondly, I want to see happy people around me. Please life, make their whishes come true too. Our souls should be happy these holidays.

    Well, that's what I want. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in a god to whom I can pray, but I write this, like I'm making a wish and throwing it in the wind. I'm trying to believe that very good things can happen.

Angelina

Photo of the day!

"Fuck you!"

To the best person in the world, 

who one day woke up and realised 

she should have said it ages ago....

How many times you thought of this phrase and you never said it to the person standing in front of you?

Let's be honest...some people deserve it. The way they act, they way they treat others sometimes or some things they say.... and you're standind there speechless looking at them and thinking "fuck you!". You never say it. Afterwards you think about it for hours and days.

It's ok, it's hard to say to someone "fuck you" straigth to their face. Still, there are other ways to say it....

keep your distance from them, give them the answer they expect the least next time, use it as inspiration to create art or write something, live your best life miles away from them or let time pass....sometimes the "fuck you" comes on its own! It really does!

At the gates of hell...

For all of us who have been to hell and have come back.......

In our lives, there are these moments when you feel like you're staring your demons straight in the eye (and the thing is that they stare back at you), like you're looking straight into hell. You may live inside hell as well....for a few days, weeks, maybe even more!

In front of hell you're going to feel scared and helpless, but survival will take its turn eventually.

These trips to hell are definitely going to leave their scars and you're never going to forget any of them, what each one of them took away from you, what they brought with them and left you in the end. 

Even when time has passed and you are in a safer and more comfortable place, it takes only a few seconds to remember everything. But then you think that you made it, you survived and you're still here, breathing and being ok (most of the times). 

So, let's drink to the dark places we survived and to those we're going to in the future!

We won't back down (not for long at least)!!

"I won't back down" - Tom Petty cover by Johnny Cash