Updating life....

In life... you never actually know what comes next.

You may trying to relax, get in control of your o.c.d., create, and suddenly big trouble can appear. This time the trouble was pretty hot, like a fire in the workplace of my mother (a.k.a. the provider of my expenses) and my brother. 

So, for a period of time life has me living back to my parent's house.

And trying to bring out the best out of it...!

It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

Reinventing happiness (no.2)

Today I watched "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" (and the movie following it, "The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"). It's about a hotel in India and its elderly guests. 

All  this color....!! Shades of yellow, and red, and blue, and purple, and green, and almost every other color that exists! And all the fine embroidery on the fabrics and clothes! All the beautiful patterns in architecture, jewelry and on any element that catches your eye! Well, it's a Hollywood movie after all, it can't be 100% accurate to the real thing, but still looks amazing!

You look at all these beautiful things and you can't help but think that if there's so much color to lighten up the world, the world can't be a very bad place. At least not always....

Plus the idea of travelling and getting to know different cultures, seeing new things, taste, smell.... I should travel someday....! But maybe watch some trevelling documentaries for now.

(image source: imdb.com)

P.S. Those beautiful couple of lines in the end of the second movie, spoeken by Muriel Donnelly (the character of Maggie Smith):

"You have no idea now what you will become, 

don't try to control it. 

Let go.

That's when the fun starts."

Reinventing happiness (no.1)

You know these people that are able to find small pieces of happiness in their everyday life. A cute bird standing on top of a tree, a beautiful colored flower, the amazingly shaped clouds in the sky, etc. I used to be one of them. 

Until I wasn't any more. 

It started out slowly, it was more and more difficult for me to notice those  tiny bits of beauty. And it took only a few months to end up with depression. Me, that my philosophy is that happiness is a way of life and a life's goal, having depression. In combination with my obsessive compulsions that after 10 years have made my everyday routines so hard! 

So, I'm standing here today, feeling sad most of the time, not feeling like my usual self anymore, not being able to normaly do simple things (it's hard due to my obsessive compulsion even to move properly inside my ow house sometimes and sometimes it's even hard to get out of bed), feeling very anxious when I'm outside (because the next trigger might be waiting around the corner, right?!), not being able to dream and set goals like I used to, having thoughts  of self harm and a few more things. Oh, among all the above I'm giving my 120% to feel better. I do literary the best I can. Plus, the help I'm getting from my psychologist. And there's a chance of visiting a psychiatrist too, soon.

What's helping me the most in this difficult time is a small three-letter-word with much power: art. I'm lucky enough to be an artist. I'm using words, color, photography, music, drawing, singing, jewelry design, to express myself and basically breath. And I'm using the word "lucky" because it's pure luck to being able to deal with situations like mental health problems using art! 

One particular thing I have noticed lately is that even through hard times like these, I'm finding myself feeling deeply passionate about art in certain situations. Sometimes it's a concert, others a song or a movie. And this caught me thinking that....what if I could beat my depression and obsessive compulsions through art?! Always in combination with therapy of course. 

What if I could feel better using art (creating, admiring, studying) and in a way... reinvent my happiness?!

Morticia & survival (a quote)

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!

"Society dear, think twice!"

Note: This post maybe generalises a little bit, but these are my thoughts and I wanted to express them as usual.

My mother was raised by her own mother which was all about being nice, don't be a burden to others, act nice in public, help others, being a good person. The truth is that at some point we started realising (and mostly myself as I was growing up) that grandma was all about herself, she was saying she was taking daily care of others and her household for others but she clearly was doing it for herself so everything was the way she wanted to be. Plus, till today, if you listen to her she mostly says bad things about others and she's maybe the most camouflaged egocentric person I know.
I grew up in a small town where appearances were everything. Something is good if it looks good. For example, I know a couple of families that were quite abusive with their children, but they aways looked good on the outside, they seemed respectful, so they are treated as good people.
And in if you take a look around in your daily life, you're going to find plenty of examples of well respected (by the society we live in) people who don't deserve much respect.
Let me give you one more, quite humorous, example. Because I've always had boyfriends who were "good guys" and they turned up to be not so good people I always say that I want the next guy to be a bad guy, someone maybe not so respected for the standards of society (some think I'm kidding about it,  ut I actually don't).
You see, it's the same thing; appearances deceive, many times those who look like good and people on the outside are not so good if you take a look closer.
And respect from the society only means that you have a nice cover, doesn't mean you truly are worth of respect or that you are a good human being.
So, lessons learned I have started noticing more the "souls" and all the small things that people around me do and have mamaged to have a couple people around me that they're so worth of being around and being loved, no matter what they would be for the popular standards.

The beautiful lives of others

I have a great imagination. And I use it a lot.
For example, when I'm thinking about people I don't know very well or people I have just met, or others that I know but we're not the closest of friends, I have the tendency to imagine that they have these wonderful,  beautiful lives, always better and more interesting than mine.
Others have more fun in their daily lives.
Others flirt more and they have more people interested in them.
Others always have more friends.
Others are always more active and do more things throughout their every day.
Others.....have these great lives....but again, do they?
After all each one of us tries his/her best to learn how to have a good life, make the most of it and be happy. And like mine, all the other lives are quite the same, with ups and downs. And probably there are no fireworks and confetti all the time. Cause after all that's the way life is. Right, my dear imagination?

"The seawater in my blood"

In life, you try to find your roots. 

Part of mine come from the sea. My grandpa's ancestry was from the island of Andros. 

As I grow up, I feel like my blood is running inside my veins a little bit faster when I' m close to the sea, when I look at her or swim inside her....

Sometimes I stand still and look at the sea, watching all the shades of blue, green and grey that appear on it. The silver cover that the sun and the moon can paint on it! 

And it feels like home....

A thought by Professor X.

'Where Angels Dare to Tread!" (April, 1969)

The spark and the fire

(image via wikipedia.org)

In three days from now, it's a special anniversary for me. 

It's my one year anniversary and I think that that's the first and the last time I'm going to celebrate it.

One year ago, on the 25th of February, the end begun.

You see, myself back then was a person that didn't open up easily and wasn't letting everyone in. So, when I let someone in and they chose the exit (especially when they could have done it in a much better way, much...!) the end begun. The end of an era. The end of a big part of my life.

(I have written here again and again and again about it. And about all the things that happened during the last year. Humour me with this one.)

As I was saying the end begun. And hard times started. And a chaotic period begun as well. And more bad and unpleasant thing kept coming my way during a whole year. 

And I fighted, I was defeated, I fighted back again, and this happened a few more times. During one year I managed to grow. And changed a lot, I became a better version of me (for myself first of all) and I improved my life. 

2015 was my year of change.

2016 is the year of confidence, of growing even more.

But I think that I really have talked a about all the details of my change, I would like to focus on the anniversary.

Well, every fire needs a spark to start. If there's no spark probably there won't be any fire. I mean, sometimes I'm thinking that if the event of the 25th of February haven't happened, chances are that I wouldn't have done all I've done. Because yes, more things shook me up a lot during the year, but I think that this was the spark.

The spark that started the fire!

Fire can destroy everything, but you can manage to tame it or let it burn and take its time until it's the right time to put it out.

It's in your hand to decide what you're going to do with it! 

And one year after, there are many burnt things, along with a part of myself. All these won't come back to life. Never.

But they gave space to new thing to grow in their place.

Maybe some things were already burnt.

Maybe the new things that grew were always there and they were blocked in some way or waiting for their time. 

And their time started, 25th of February, 2015.

And one year later I am so happy and grateful. 

The way I feel today about myself, my life, all the people and the world around me....

are worth every second of sadness, cry, rage, fighting. 

Totally worth it!

So, I reach to the conclusion that maybe, no one should be afraid or bad things to come, hard times can prove more helpful and precious that you think. And yes, you're going to need to fight, but the truth is that when "shit happens" you have no choice; you're going to fight. And eventually win.

Happy sunny day!

Today I woke up to this wonderful day. Hot and sunny! I love the hours that the sun is up, and when this time of the year comes I love them even more, because just by taking a look outside the window I automatically think:

"Spring is almost here!!!!"

Yes, I feel this way, every year. Usually from the first sunny days of February, I think that spring is almost here.

Spring, birds singing, higher temperature, less clothes, sun's warmth upon my skin, its light filing my eyes (ok, behind the sunglasses most of the times)! When sun is shining I feel more hopeful, like good things are going to happen in the following months (until summer)!

Time to get outside and do some photosynthesis!

Wheeee!

Rule the world!

Apart from the not-so-good days and the neutral ones, there are the great ones.

Those days that something is different, even if you're not sure what exactly is that.

There are days that you feel like you can rule the world, that everything seems totally possible!

You feel like you can  do all the things that usually scare you. And a ton more...!

The world seems less ugly.

Hope is stronger than ever.

And day-dreaming is the most natural thing in the world!

(gif from giphy.com)

A list of happiness

There's this thing I'm doing when I'm not in the best mood. It's actually a few things. 

I have a list of things that make me happy. And I use them when needed.

They don't have to be big ones, sometimes the smallest things can do a lot...!

Things that make me happy....

* percussion

* smiling

* birds (singing, flying, bathing)

* the sky

* confetti

* singing

* the stars 

* Vivaldi's "Summer"

* raspberry red

* drawing

* taking photographs

* snowglobes

* taking notes

About people

People that make you believe.

People that open up.

People that make you laugh and smile.

People that talk about themselves, their lives, their thoughts.

People that talk about their feelings and their fears.

People that earn your trust. 

People that are worth your attention, your time and maybe your love.

People that are of good quality.

People that match you.

People that make you feel ok about who you are.

People that make a contrast with those that made you lose faith once upon a time.

“The Opera” 3000 faces. Artist: O, 2011

(found here)

Two photos, almost ten months apart

Sometimes is nice to look back and compare the past with the present. 

See how things have changed. 

A few minutes ago a painting on my wall caught my eye and and I started thinking how a photograph can reflect how you feel at a certain period of time.

So, here's a comparison.....

1.

That's one of my paintings for my "Wrath Project" (and the one on my wall right now). 

It was done about 10 months ago. Apart from the variety of red shades, I used a knife, a razor and a pair of scissors for this one. 

And it was reflecting my inside so well at that point.....! I can still remember the feeling today, just by looking at it.

And here's the present.....

2.

All these colors, this pretty thing with the confetti (accidentally) on top of it, oh my...! 

There's always a pinch of black, but brighter colors rule these days.

Colorful things and big doses of joy. 

Pretty well done......!

Birthday party!!!!

So, I turned 27!

And I had a partyyyyy!

(*Photos taken by me and some friends.)

I am (part two)

I am turning 27 soon

(basically in some hours).

I am someone who's mind doesn't cooperate sometimes and it makes me freak out, making me believe I might have o.c.d. (must check this out).

I am a strong believer of the ugliness of the world we live in, so I try to create my own microcosm with pinches of positivity and fairydust.

I am now filling what love means.

I'm learning to speak my mind for real.

I'm trying to look at myself from a fresh point of view.

I am doing my best for the things I like and love, but I'm not giving my 100% for these that I don't really want.

I'm crying sometimes when I think of certain things I have accomplished or things and people I didn't have in my life in the past, but now I do!

I am saying to myself that "it's ok, you're human after all" whenever I feel bad or stupid for something I have done or said

(we don't need extra guilt and shame coming from ourselves).

I am an adult and I am now able to keep my calm when a certain problem occurs

(at least much more than I used to).

I am an adult and I can make my own choices.

I am more liberated and happier than I used to be one year ago

(and maybe two years, three years, twenty seven years?!).

I am expecting more.

Question marks

There are question marks that pop inside yοur mind. Sometimes it only takes a random (or not so random) stimulus. 

How much do you live?

Do you really live?

What do you do for the world?

Are you going to make the slightest change in the world with your actions and life?

Do you let time go by without doing your best to live and create?

Are you happy? 

Could you be happier?

Having no master

When you're asking for freedom, you must first give yourself freedom.

That's the way it goes. Usually yourself is the first person that keeps you trapped and doesn't let you be totally (or even in a good percent) free! It's hard, because sometimes you may not even realize how much do you suppress your own self. It might be the way you were raised, the environment you live in, the way you live your life, or a combination of all these.

Your way to freedom starts with a simple question: " what do I really want?".

The procedure of getting what you really want may break your bones a little bit (or a lot), the changes may be big, you may learn to react differently in certain situations and even stand up to yourself and others when needed in order to reach your goal.

Plus, you must be prepared to lose some people (or set them aside, it depends on your point of view). While going for what you really want, you put everything into perspective and you may realise that you don't want some types of behavior in your life.

While changing yourself and your life, the dynamics of your relationships with others are going to change as well (with some, the changes will come naturally and with some others are going to be your own choices). And that's basically the next step of freeing yourself! Being as free as you can from others. There comes a moment when you feel like you have no master, you need no bossy figure in your close circle of family and friends. And that no one is better on telling you what you want and what you need than yourself. You should be prepared for a few loses at this point. But it's ok, you can live without anyone that you think of as necessary right now. Freedom and the change you need to reach it take a lot of strength and inner will. Basically is a procedure of reaching your truth and finding your balance in your relationships with others and the whole world.

The only difference is that you can taste freedom and you're totally your own boss! 

Well done (for now)!