Updating life....

In life... you never actually know what comes next.

You may trying to relax, get in control of your o.c.d., create, and suddenly big trouble can appear. This time the trouble was pretty hot, like a fire in the workplace of my mother (a.k.a. the provider of my expenses) and my brother. 

So, for a period of time life has me living back to my parent's house.

And trying to bring out the best out of it...!

It's OCD, baby!

It all started ten years ago.
"I have to clean my desk before doing my homework".
"I have to take a bath before I go to sleep". The years I was studying cinema followed.
"Did I clean my hands properly?! I should do it again".
"Oh, what was that on the street?! Maybe my shoe came in contact with it. Maybe. I should clean it anyway".
Meanwhile I had already started opening doors with my foot instead of my hands. Being afraid of contamination. Or touching something, that the other members of my family had touched, with a piece of paper.
"I should go regularly to the toilet. I don't want any accidents happen!".
"Number 4. In my family there are 4 members. 4 is a good number. I should use it, so that everyone is ok."

Words.
All the above are just some words I decided to use, so anyone can have a basic idea of what this post is about.
These words are just examples and just a percentage of the real thing. 

Ten years after the first thoughts and obsessive compulsions things aren't ok.
With ten years of obsessive compulsions the world around seems different from the way most people see it. Danger is all around...! And being relaxed is a luxury not often enjoyed.

And no all these things aren't eccentricities or oddities.
"They might be O.C.D." I thought a couple of years ago when I first met the term while watching a documentary.

Today, I got my official diagnosis. 
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Which basically means that I have constant thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsive actions that lead to.... some kind of hell really.

But after all, it feels quite nice to have a name for my "companion" of so many years and known that it wasn't all in my imagination....

That's all for now.
Going back to working on that tricky OCD
;-)

Vacation past

Some of the best vacation I had so far were these of my childhood, in Agios Andreas.

Agios Andreas is a village in Peloponnese (Greece), about one and a half hour away from the house where I grew up.

The village is a combination of mountains and sea. Its main part is located on the foot of a mountain and there's also a part of it which is by the sea.

I've been on vacation there, with my family, as long as I can remember myself. I have been there lots of times with my beloved late grandpa, with family friends and my family even made some great friends there, about twenty years ago.

To go there, there's a road, up the hills, with view at the sea.

When you're almost there, there's a small pond (with extremely cold water I must say), with small marbles in the bottom, where the waters are supposed to be therapeutic. There where small turtle in there too, a few years ago.

This pond is continued to a lake, which at some point meets the sea. 

The beaches of Agios Andreas are a combination of small rocks and sand. But I mainly remember the sand. Inside the sea, there are many rocks (which I am afraid of since I was a kid, I can only imagine what lie beneath the rocks, maybe nothing (or just sand as one friend of mine says), but still....) but if you walk/swim for a few meter you'll discover a great sand bottom!

When I was still at school, my family and I used to rent a flat which was only a few meters away from the beach. I was lying down on my bed at noon, on my side, and I was watching the sea...

From that flat, I also remember the smell of the gas cooker while my mother was making coffee or cooking, the smell of Dettol when she was cleaning (and actually Dettol is ever since reminds me of something very pleasant) and the old fashioned sweets we where buying from a pastry shop in the village.

Oh, I love those beaches! I can remember myself playing, reading and swimming there. 

If you take a walk a long the shore, you'll end up on a hill, where there are just a couple of coffee shops and taverns and a small port from where the fishermen of the village go off with their beautiful boats. 

I've had many meals in the tavern on the top. I remember the vintage chairs there where there when I was a kid. And the view from there is just.....dreamy and spectacular! Watching the rocks, in front of you, starting from under your feet and continue until they meet the sea water!

Very precious memories....

and I would love to have a collection of photos to match them, but I preferred a screenshot of a map.

And the collection of photos matching the memories are a great idea for a photography project and one more visit there this summer...!

For now I'm sipping my coffee to the sunny memories and to the photo frames that start forming in my mind!

Reinventing happiness (no.3)

I'm a big fan of crime literature, movie and series. 

Lately, I'm trying to read and watch a little lighter stuff, not too gore. Too much violence can't be very good for depression and anxiety. But, still, can't stop reading and watching mystery and crime!

So, one of the things I'm doing is watching Agatha Christie's Miss Marple and Poirot.

Delicate stories, beautiful scenery and places, 

nice clothes and interiors, and that vintage era...!

Crime stories and glimpses of previous eras!

Soothing and in the same time keeping you a very very pleasant "company"!

photos: imdb.com

Life lately....

To better days....

I've been living with obsessive compulsions for about ten years and during the last months, they have reached a critical point. My obsessive compulsions basically make my every day life tough.

Certain depressive episodes and panic attacks were added in the situation, and yes, I'm getting the proper help I need for them all.

How it's life lately?

An almost continuous effort.

I've thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks, but never seem to find the words for it. After all, I'm in the process of figuring out things myself. So, I'm just going to write a few thoughts.

Imagine....

* ....waking up in the morning, along with your more-than-usual bad mood and all the intrusive thoughts in your mind.

* ....getting nervous whenever getting on a bus or train (because the next trigger might be "around the corner", right?!).

* ....those smiles you see in other people's faces and you remember that you used to laugh a lot once (you still do, but your smile and laughter are a percent of the original thing).

* .....all those things you loved, that now seem t please you less than they used to.

* ....the plans you loved making and the goals you loved setting, but now... it's one day at a time.

* ....all the triggers that can appear anytime, anywhere.

* ....this black hole inside you that becomes bigger in certain moments.

* ....all the thoughts that make you avoid things, perform rituals (even for the simplest things) and make you so nervous.

* ....all the thoughts of happier times that may make you smile, but probably make you cry in the end.

* ....all the moves you make to avoid contact with certain "contaminated" spots (even in your own house).

* ....the wishes of the constant thinking to stop and the effort to make it happen.

* ....the work with your mood....trying to find ways to get back to normal.

For weeks now, there have been a few good moments, a lot of bad and hard ones, and certain really really bad ones.

Keep fighting (until better times come) is the only thing I can do. And I'm doing it, 24/7.

And art is maybe the most important thing that keeps me going by the way.

And that's all for now!

Photo of the day!

Flashback (no.5)

Beauty & Beasts

So, I like creating art, watching crime series and documentaries (oh, those with the dramatization) and listening to something while I'm working.
And it still amazes me how I can combine beauty and beasts, creating something pleasant to the eyes, while in the same time listening to horrible real life stories about crimes.
Maybe it's some kind of filtering after all....

Photo of the day!

A selfie with the sky!

"Sea & Sky" (a photo)

The spark and the fire

(image via wikipedia.org)

In three days from now, it's a special anniversary for me. 

It's my one year anniversary and I think that that's the first and the last time I'm going to celebrate it.

One year ago, on the 25th of February, the end begun.

You see, myself back then was a person that didn't open up easily and wasn't letting everyone in. So, when I let someone in and they chose the exit (especially when they could have done it in a much better way, much...!) the end begun. The end of an era. The end of a big part of my life.

(I have written here again and again and again about it. And about all the things that happened during the last year. Humour me with this one.)

As I was saying the end begun. And hard times started. And a chaotic period begun as well. And more bad and unpleasant thing kept coming my way during a whole year. 

And I fighted, I was defeated, I fighted back again, and this happened a few more times. During one year I managed to grow. And changed a lot, I became a better version of me (for myself first of all) and I improved my life. 

2015 was my year of change.

2016 is the year of confidence, of growing even more.

But I think that I really have talked a about all the details of my change, I would like to focus on the anniversary.

Well, every fire needs a spark to start. If there's no spark probably there won't be any fire. I mean, sometimes I'm thinking that if the event of the 25th of February haven't happened, chances are that I wouldn't have done all I've done. Because yes, more things shook me up a lot during the year, but I think that this was the spark.

The spark that started the fire!

Fire can destroy everything, but you can manage to tame it or let it burn and take its time until it's the right time to put it out.

It's in your hand to decide what you're going to do with it! 

And one year after, there are many burnt things, along with a part of myself. All these won't come back to life. Never.

But they gave space to new thing to grow in their place.

Maybe some things were already burnt.

Maybe the new things that grew were always there and they were blocked in some way or waiting for their time. 

And their time started, 25th of February, 2015.

And one year later I am so happy and grateful. 

The way I feel today about myself, my life, all the people and the world around me....

are worth every second of sadness, cry, rage, fighting. 

Totally worth it!

So, I reach to the conclusion that maybe, no one should be afraid or bad things to come, hard times can prove more helpful and precious that you think. And yes, you're going to need to fight, but the truth is that when "shit happens" you have no choice; you're going to fight. And eventually win.

Happy sunny day!

Today I woke up to this wonderful day. Hot and sunny! I love the hours that the sun is up, and when this time of the year comes I love them even more, because just by taking a look outside the window I automatically think:

"Spring is almost here!!!!"

Yes, I feel this way, every year. Usually from the first sunny days of February, I think that spring is almost here.

Spring, birds singing, higher temperature, less clothes, sun's warmth upon my skin, its light filing my eyes (ok, behind the sunglasses most of the times)! When sun is shining I feel more hopeful, like good things are going to happen in the following months (until summer)!

Time to get outside and do some photosynthesis!

Wheeee!

Dark Pastels

Photo of the day!

Rule the world!

Apart from the not-so-good days and the neutral ones, there are the great ones.

Those days that something is different, even if you're not sure what exactly is that.

There are days that you feel like you can rule the world, that everything seems totally possible!

You feel like you can  do all the things that usually scare you. And a ton more...!

The world seems less ugly.

Hope is stronger than ever.

And day-dreaming is the most natural thing in the world!

(gif from giphy.com)

A list of happiness

There's this thing I'm doing when I'm not in the best mood. It's actually a few things. 

I have a list of things that make me happy. And I use them when needed.

They don't have to be big ones, sometimes the smallest things can do a lot...!

Things that make me happy....

* percussion

* smiling

* birds (singing, flying, bathing)

* the sky

* confetti

* singing

* the stars 

* Vivaldi's "Summer"

* raspberry red

* drawing

* taking photographs

* snowglobes

* taking notes

Photo of the day!

Bedtime stories

Two photos, almost ten months apart

Sometimes is nice to look back and compare the past with the present. 

See how things have changed. 

A few minutes ago a painting on my wall caught my eye and and I started thinking how a photograph can reflect how you feel at a certain period of time.

So, here's a comparison.....

1.

That's one of my paintings for my "Wrath Project" (and the one on my wall right now). 

It was done about 10 months ago. Apart from the variety of red shades, I used a knife, a razor and a pair of scissors for this one. 

And it was reflecting my inside so well at that point.....! I can still remember the feeling today, just by looking at it.

And here's the present.....

2.

All these colors, this pretty thing with the confetti (accidentally) on top of it, oh my...! 

There's always a pinch of black, but brighter colors rule these days.

Colorful things and big doses of joy. 

Pretty well done......!