Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Dear 2015....

I'm glad I met you. I really am. I might even be grateful that you came. A few days ago I accidentally found myself going through my facebook (a.k.a. the version of our lives for others to see) posts, thoughts and photos and it felt like another life. Like I used to have a life and now I have another one, a new one.

2015....you crushed me. You totally did. I felt I was betrayed by a couple of people. I felt I reached my limits quite a few times (four to be exact). I felt lonely, many times. I felt so disappointed. I felt I was stuck. I felt so insecure (a lot!). I felt fear. I felt the loss of my faith to things and people. I felt the chaos that was my life for a few months. 

2015.... while you were here I broke and reassembled myself, not one, but a couple of times (or more).

2015.....you marked me. I changed (or better I evolved), because I basically had no choice to do otherwise. And maybe after all it was the time for change.

2015....during your stay I managed to do some things:
* I met many new people!
* I made new friends!
* I exited my comfort zone!
* I created good relationships with other people!
* I had the chance to feel how having a hard crush on someone feels like!
* I made a band!
* I made new things for my career!
* I made new plans for my career and my life in general!
* I created many pieces of art!
* I wrote many poems, articles, lyrics for songs, texts, posts!
* I became more social!
* I learned that you never know what's coming next in life!
* I learned that you can survive a lot as a human being in life!
* I turned from being a "vase" made of thin glass that breaks easily to being a "wall" (with cracks, but still a wall)!
* I learned how to express what I feel in a much better way!
* I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking and over-feeling, but I managed to turn all that energy into art and in general control my feelings and thoughts more than I used to in the past!
* I finally got over false ideas about my appearance (special thanks to a friend for that)!
* I cut ties with things and people that were more harming than good for me or that they didn't make me feel ok!
* Now I feel ok with being me, much more than I used to to in the past!

2015....I'm still working on things, learning and try to become a better person.

2015....sometimes I feel like I really started to LIVE my life while you were here (even though many bad stuff happened, but I turned them into better ones), so I guess I'm saying goodbye kink of whimsically!
Love, a hug and a kiss on the cheek!
Angelina  

            

Monday, December 21, 2015

My trust to others

For the ones that make me believe again....

(image source here)

I'm going to be clear from the beginning.
I don't trust other people. 
I was raised with the idea that everyone is a good person (my mother grew up with the same idea, so she basically had no choice about what she was going to teach us). 
When I was younger I was trusting others, a lot! But many people started showing their true self at some point, so I kind of started to expect that some people may not be what they seem. Many times in the past I pinned my hopes on other people and in the end they let me down.
Until today, the examples of not trust worthy people that have been (or are) in my life are a couple (few, many....) and they cost me....
They cost me to change from trusting others to believe that you must count only to yourself. 
Kind of sad, yes. 
I still have expectations but in the back of my mind I always have the sense that something will go wrong. 

But the past couple of months I think I have started to believe again....
Yes, there are many....how should I put it, well.....there are many not trustworthy and some even shitty people out there in the world, but some others that will be worth your trust and they're going to prove their value. They're going to be the reminder that there's something good out there.... The proportion of trustworthy and not trustworthy people might be uneven but it's almost a blessing when you find the good ones....


Friday, December 18, 2015

Lost faith


It was an afternoon in December 2015, when I realized that I have lost my faith in good things happening. 
And it was shocking and scary.

My childhood self, and even my teenage self, were imagining that beautiful things are going to come! Ultra happy moments, fairytale love (the Beauty and the Beast version, please), a great life, and things that would surprise me...!
Years started going by and things weren't going the way I wanted them. 
Unicorns don't exist, but life can still surprise you, right?! Maybe not after all...

 I say that we're the ones that can create happiness and I believe in it. But if you think about it there's a hidden truth inside this philosophy/quote. I don't expect life to bring me magic, so I try to create it myself. And all the years that have passed since the days I was a child or a teenager proved me that beautiful things you dream about don't usually come. 
Most of the times (ok, there are the rare situations that good surprises happen, but, they're extremely rare) the pattern that has been happening for quite a few years is: I expect something, it doesn't come, the sense of futility stays with me! Sounds like fun...not!
 I try to create magic and I succeed many times, but this is just me taking control. Me trying to create the life I want, because you can't expect anyone else to do it for you (oh, that's lack of faith in others too,  but that's a different story for another post).

So, that afternoon in December came when I realized that deep inside, I'm prepared for the bad things to come. I believe more in the bad things that are going to come and not in the beautiful unexpected ones. When I'm in a certain situation my belief that things aren't going to go the way I want them is much stronger than my hope for a good ending. Pretty disappointing to realize that you've reached that point...yes it is!
 And the question is....
can you repair your faith about something like this?

Monday, December 14, 2015

The four letter word


This word is so small, but still can take you to heaven, magic places, hell and crush you.
It takes only an "l", an "o", a "v" and an "e". And everything out of a sudden makes sense. Or better, it doesn't make sense! 

You live your life, you're fine, you do the things you like, you meet new people, things in your life start falling into place, you...wait what was that before the things that fall into place?! Oh, you meet new people....and one of these new people might mean more than the others for you, right?

Welcome to the twilight zone!
We've been expecting you for the last 27 years of your life.....

So, prepare yourself for these powerful four letters (boo!)!

* Four letters that will make you go from "logic lover" to "prisoner of feelings". 
(You've been always a fan of logic and you were always trying to keep your feelings under control, but no, this time it's over! Your brain is going to ignore all the thoughts like "You should't like this person because you're going to ruin this and that". Feelings! A lot them!)
* Four letters that will make you think about this person (almost?) constantly.
* Four letters that will make you speak about this person (almost?) constantly.
* Four letters that will make you not being able to look at the other person's eyes for too long.
* Four letters that will make something inside you die a little bit each time you think about the chance that in the end nothing might happen between you two.
* Four letters that will make you smile a lot.
* Four letters that are going to bring a instant smile to your face when you lay your eyes upon this person.
* Four letters that will make this person seem sooo beautiful in your eyes.
* Four letters that will make you try to keep it together each time you're meeting this person.
* Four letters that will make you being unable to concentrate like you used to do.
* Four letters that will make you feel really uncomfortable because you're going to lose a big amount of your self-control.
* Four letters that will make you go from super-happiness to super-blues (and vice versa).
* Four letters that are definitely worth the risk of acting and expressing how you feel at some point. 
* Four letters that will make you feel like you're riding a roller coaster
(you might reach the top and stay there, or you might fall unexpectedly, it depends on whether the other person is going to feel the same way or not actually).
* Four letters that will make that song you already liked so much, making total sense....!

It goes like....
....and everything is dark and kind of scary
and you crave the full moon, but I don't care...


Friday, December 11, 2015

Fight (or not)?

To a friend
 (I wish you could do what you wanted today)....

We all have our issues. Minor or major.
And we all have the days that we're ok and those that we would like to stay at home, in bed maybe, and just do...nothing!
 In case you're one of the lucky ones who have the opportunty to make a choice, 
what would you do on the bad days?
Stay in bed, with only your thoughts to keep you company?
Or would you.....react, get up, move, create, fight...?!

It's basically a choice, right?
To fight, even if you don't know if you're going to win in the end.
To try and do the best you can.

"Demon, demon, in my mind" (a poem)


Demon, demon, in my mind,
who's the bravest to survive?

Lost in time and space 
only thinking of your embrace
I slightly breath
near the heartbreak
Will you acompany me at last?

"I forgot to live" (a poem & a song)


And I forgot to live
And until this day I die
You tell me I shouldn't cry,
but I can't

And I forgot to live
Took that turn so wrong
I couldn't be strong,
and lost everything

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Exorcising your demons


It happened on day during my theatrical play session. We had a piece of paper which supposed to be a letter that said that someone had died and left us a big amount of money in his will. So, we had to react to the bad news of death and to the good news of the will.
Without thinking about it much, I decided to use one of my greatest fears (which is my mother dying, I'm so afraid of the things and feelings that this will bring one day). And so I did, I took the piece of paper, I read it, I creased it and then threw it away while saying "What am I supposed to do with the money? I just want my mother back!".
It felt really good. I had taken one of my greatest fears, had put it in front me and faced it!

After that incident I realized how useful it is to face your demons by using them in everyday life, bit by bit, a small (or not so small) battle each time. 
A small exorcism each time....

Time

(image: onpoint.wbur.org)

I'm not good with time.
I used to be very late (now I'm just a little bit late and only sometimes) for anything I had to do, I always try to do more things than I can during the day, 
and most importantly of all....I'm definitely not one of the patient people.
Actually, when I want something I want it.....as quickly as possible. 
And when I don't get what I want quickly enough, I start thinking and analyzing and obssessing and well, I have his thing when I usually can't stop my brain from working, not even pausing for a while!
But, patience is the key sometimes. 
(I'm taking a deep breath while writting the phrase above).
Still, I haven't accept it. But I try. And lately I try even more. 
You see when you have to wait for something, unpleasant thoughts wake up. 
When you have to wait you start thinking that you basically don't have any control over certain things.
When you have to wait thoughts of failure (or not getting the thing you wanted in the first place) make their appearance.
When you have to wait....it feels like time starts to move in such a weird way.

But in life, there's always something more to learn and for me dealing with time it's probablly the last task for 2015....
(keep on trying and working, even if this makes you uncomfortable, right?!).

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Sentimental survivor

(image: prwua.org)

 Remembering myself, even as a child, I have this image of a very sensitive person. As long as I can remember I was feeling too fragile, many situations were looking enormous to my eyes, I was crying more easily than the kids around me and at the point that I started having the basic idea that we all grow up and become adults one day....well then, I started thinking "how am I going to survive?". 
This thought continued during my adolescence. 

How was I going to survive in life being so sensitive?

Then adulthood came and at some point I started the procedure of toughening up myself. 
It failed. Gloriously! I basically ended up depressed for some months. I still remember that time.These were the days when I was at home, watching TV and not doing anything. During that period, three to four times a day, out of the blue, I was starting sobbing so hard. I was feeling that all the feelings I had suppressed for a couple of years were coming all together or that all the ugliness in the world was gathering herself inside me. 
I managed to get over it and started a procedure (that is continued until today) of accepting my feelings, my sensitivity and the fact that I am so fragile. Studying singing and having to perform and express myself helped a lot. Until one day (about one year after the depression), while working on one of my songs an image came to my mind. It was the point when I felt to the core how deeply I could feel. And the image was one of a very deep tunnel that had no end, you could only see darkness....

Today, I have managed to put all my energy and my feelings to my art (plus keeping a part of them for the people in my life). That's the way I survive and don't go mad from over-feeling and over-thinking. 
And lately, one day, I saw light in the end of the tunnel. 

So, the key to survival was to accept the way I was made.... 
I guess one day I'm going to accept it 100%.

One day.....

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Looking at yourself through the eyes of others


 I've been insecure for as long as I can remember myself.
Insecure about my appearance, about the things I create, about others (if they like me or not).

I'm sure you've heard this story before. You might have heard it inside your personal thoughts as well.
Insecurity: the thought of doubt, these thoughts that make you think that you're inferior than others.
Insecurity is a kind of fear.
Insecurity can hold you back sometimes. Can stop you from following a dream or expressing how you feel to someone. 
I know all these well enough.

But sometimes....magic happens!
And it happens when you start looking at yourself through the eyes of others.
A comment coming from someone outside yourself can make the difference, help you see things you couldn't notice when looking in the mirror, gives you a break from your own point of view, gives you a new perspective on things.

Magic happened for me when I started showing more of my art to others and the first positive comments came. For example, people were looking at my drawings (which I was looking at for years wondering if they're even considered art) and were commenting on how I manage to draw so flawless lines. Positive comments about one of the first songs I wrote were made (about the melody and the lyrics) too. These things might seem meaningless to some, but to me were the first signs that I must be good after all....

Lately, I try to work on my insecurities about my appearance and have started talking to a few close friends about them. And it wasn't until today, when a friend made such comments when I told her about how I really feel about the way I look, that I started thinking that I might have been looking at myself the wrong way for a long time..... 

Sometimes it takes only a fresh pair of eyes (and definitely not yours) to look at the reflection in the mirror in a more objective way...


Tell the devil I said "hi" (a poem)


Tell the devil I said "hi"
I remember the time he was chasing me 
and I had no place to hide

Give him my regards
I no longer need my older guards

Tell the devil I still wonder,
why did he spent so much time with me
After all, I'm no special wonder

I was once on the ground,
but now I'm just waiting for the next round

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Broken (people)

For the days that "black holes" appear
and for those that you are able to write a poem with the phrase "tell the devil I said 'hi' ".......


Today, I have mostly questions. 
Some thoughts and events as well, but I'm going to keep them inside my head for now.

In life, we, people break.
Sometimes we break into millions of pieces....


Can we really piece back together ourselves?

Is there any chance that after reassembling ourselves we're going to be the same as we were before?

How much strength do we really have inside us?

Is there always something left from our wounds? Reminders....?



How much strength do you need to rise from your own ashes?

You probably never forget the "black holes" you have fallen into...

You can never change your true nature, right? At least not 100%....


Are there forever broken people?
(Because there are people who break more easily than others, that's for sure......)

P.S. I always trust those who tell you straight to your face that they were broken once or even that they still try to reassemble themselves. I believe that they worth a lot, they have managed to face themselves, their demons, they have fighted and that's what makes them have great souls.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

"Dear Santa"

Dear Santa,
  (erase)

Dear Life,

     December is here and as always I'm thinking about the year that comes to an end. Plus it's time for my wish. 
     I got it, ok, in life you can never know what's going to happen for sure. Many bad things can happen. Only you can create "magic". You can live even when people you used to love aren't in your life anymore. You're stronger than you think. You shouldn't lose your faith in people, because there will be those that will prove you wrong. There's so much beauty in the world. 
    I don't know if you remember my last year's letter, but this year I'm an other version of myself. From being the person that couldn't look other in the eye (because I was feeling uncomfortable thinking that they could see inside my soul), I now know that what really counts is what people have inside their soul. Now, I'm doing things that I love (or adore, is that a better word?!). Now, I know what I really really want from my life and others around me. I'm grateful for what I have, for the things I lost and found again and for the brand new ones I've gained.
    So, as for my wish......I want two things. The one is to have my own creep. My own special creep. I think it's time, don't you think? I have been through enough and some outside-from-my magic-zone happiness would be wonderful! You know that I want simple things that in the same time are the fairydust in reality. A creep that will be there, a creep that will hold your hand sometimes is all you need. Sometimes you only want to "enjoy the silence", because "words are meaningless".
    Secondly, I want to see happy people around me. Please life, make their whishes come true too. Our souls should be happy these holidays.
    Well, that's what I want. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in a god to whom I can pray, but I write this, like I'm making a wish and throwing it in the wind. I'm trying to believe that very good things can happen.

Angelina

Photo of the day!


"Fuck you!"



To the best person in the world, 
who one day woke up and realised 
she should have said it ages ago....


How many times you thought of this phrase and you never said it to the person standing in front of you?

Let's be honest...some people deserve it. The way they act, they way they treat others sometimes or some things they say.... and you're standind there speechless looking at them and thinking "fuck you!". You never say it. Afterwards you think about it for hours and days.

It's ok, it's hard to say to someone "fuck you" straigth to their face. Still, there are other ways to say it....
keep your distance from them, give them the answer they expect the least next time, use it as inspiration to create art or write something, live your best life miles away from them or let time pass....sometimes the "fuck you" comes on its own! It really does!

At the gates of hell...

For all of us who have been to hell and have come back.......


In our lives, there are these moments when you feel like you're staring your demons straight in the eye (and the thing is that they stare back at you), like you're looking straight into hell. You may live inside hell as well....for a few days, weeks, maybe even more!

In front of hell you're going to feel scared and helpless, but survival will take its turn eventually.
These trips to hell are definitely going to leave their scars and you're never going to forget any of them, what each one of them took away from you, what they brought with them and left you in the end. 
Even when time has passed and you are in a safer and more comfortable place, it takes only a few seconds to remember everything. But then you think that you made it, you survived and you're still here, breathing and being ok (most of the times). 

So, let's drink to the dark places we survived and to those we're going to in the future!
We won't back down (not for long at least)!!

"I won't back down" - Tom Petty cover by Johnny Cash

Saturday, November 28, 2015

A sweet comfort quote


Since the day I bought this and I looked at it from this angle it seems like it says these words to me....
(pink imagination)

Friday, November 27, 2015

Creating images

I'm sitting on a chair, with the laptop in front of me, on the kitchen table. 
Outside rain falls for a while now, and the sky has this wonderful light grey shade that makes everything look bright, even though there's no sun.

You just created a image in your mind, right?

Further than this kind of images that our mind creates, when someone gives you information about a scene, tells you a story maybe, there is another kind too.

The one that your imagination creates inside your mind.
Images that are so far from the reality (at least the reality you're in this moment).
You can be inside the scene I started this post with, and you can imagine other versions of reality...

....being inside a coffee shop with garland lights on the walls and comfortable chairs and sofas, with friends, laughing and talking about everything inside and outside your microcosms....

....being in a house, with your special someone, lying down under a blanket on the sofa, watching.....well, I'm going to choose X-Men movies because they're my favorite superheroes....

....dancing in the rain in the middle of a forest, spinning round and rounds around yourself, your clothes getting wet and rain drops falling upon your closed eye lids....



Thursday, November 26, 2015

"Comfort"


"I once was......"


Today, stays still.....
but there was a time when this was filled with water and all around people were dancing, with sparkly clothes and drinks on their hands!
And music was playing, while the summer breeze was making their hair fly!

"The bird on the wall"


A letter to myself

(the one I was 9 months ago, on the 25th of February)

Darling,

What seems like a tragedy today, will bring a smile to your face in a few months.
Be prepared to hurt a lot (psychological pain will be there with you for a long time).
Be prepared for many bad things to come together.
Some of the things you were always fantasizing about will come true.
Work will be one of the key words of this year.
You're going to cry a lot, and laugh a lot as well.
Many things and the way you look at the world and others will change. 
You're going to meet many new people and make new friends, so don't worry.
You silly, you can't even imagine how good your next love is going to be!
You're going to feel the meaning of the word "change", for real....!
Your comfort zone will expand.... (yes, it will feel weird at first).
That thing that you don't like rollercoasters....well, you're going to get into one (metaphorically speaking) and will be riding it for quite some time.
This is the year that you're going to accept a few big truths about life and people.
You're going to feel comfortable in your own skin (more than ever).
You're going to find what you've lost, your faith and everything.

And one last thing....hold tight and everything will get better!
(Believe me, I've been there!)



Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The well kept demons


If you're a regular reader of this blog you'll probably know that one of my favorite subjects to talk about is the personal demons each one of us has. I talk about mine every now and then. 

But today I thought of writing a few words about the ones that are deeper than any other. Those that almost nobody (maybe a couple of people, but not the 100% of them) knows about. 
These are the demons that I keep fighting and haven't defeated yet. These are the ones that I'm thinking about when sometimes seems to others like I'm lost in my own world (ok, there are cases that I'm really lost in my own world too). 
These are the demons that make me feel powerless sometimes or some other times I have to gather so much strength just for one battle with them.

Until that day that I'm going to win....(hopefully)....

The "h" word

For some people that have inspired me lately.......



In case you are used to having relationship that honesty and being open is not their best trait...
I can totally relate to you!
But, believe me.....there is another world out there waiting for you tο be honest and open as a person.

A world where people don't need to hide who they are, what they feel, their desires and needs. 
A world where you can have a very personal conversation with someone you just met or someone you know for a short period of time.
A world where people are true to themselves (and to others) and don't need to pretend.
A world where relationships are probably more real.
Oh, and this doesn't happen only with new acquaintances and friends, but with older ones too. 
Older ones that happen to have the potential to become better (relationships) and have a new meaning and place in your life!


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Comfort zone junkie



After a long time of thinking about it, you take your first trip outside your comfort zone.
You may say yes to an invitation you would have probably said no, or do that activity you weren't brave enough to do before.
It feels nice isn't it? The rush of something new and the sense of winning over your insecurity.
So, you do it again....and many times after that. 
And one day you wake up and you realize that you are so used to challenging your comfort zone that it feels weird and like you're kind of stuck when you're not doing it!

Have you become an adrenaline junkie?

Well, if you can't wait for the next comfort zone challenge.....there's a very good chance you have become one.
But, it's not so bad...you test yourself, your limits, you definitely do more things than you used to and you live with much more passion!

Just remember to take a break every once in a while.... 
infinity and beyond will be there waiting.



Monday, November 23, 2015

"Boogie Man"

Oh, the moments when things are going right, 
or those when good things happen.....

What's that? That voice inside your mind that starts whispering.....
"good things don't last for long", "something bad might happen", "things might not turn so well", etc, etc, etc.
All those thoughts are like the Boogie Man, kept in the shadows, waiting to show himself.
And they're the beginning of a negative way of thinking, moments of fighting for positive attitude and a certain amount of anxiety. These thoughts hold you back from total joy and they usually keep you company until....


....time will tell what's real and what's not!


*image: youtube.com

Friday, November 20, 2015

I've been there.....

*I listened to a song and the lyrics became the perfect trigger to remember some things......


I was the one who was looking herself in the mirror and was wondering where her smile went.
I was the one who, when in time of need, instead of help got even more pressure from the person who had to be there for her.
I was the one who reached her limits.
I was the one who felt so, so, so alone even when being with someone else.
I was the one who felt like a knife stabbed her and someone was turning it around her wound.
I was the one who felt like a carpet was pulled off under her feet.
I was the one who was crying while dreaming of laughter.
I was the one with faith until I had no more.
I was the one who someone took her crown off one night.
I was the one who started getting used to the idea that every happy moment is followed by a sad one.
I was the one who got used to unpleasant surprises.
I was the one who learned to smile as a facade sometimes.


I'm no more.....




"Creep"



Thursday, November 19, 2015

"Hurt"

One day, about 3 years ago, I was sitting on my sofa, with my laptop on my lap and I was listening to songs on YouTube. 
At some point I found a song called "Hurt", by Johny Cash. 

And I fell in love!

After some time I learned that this song was written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.
 (what a soul he must have to write these lyrics...!).

It's basically my ultimate favorite, if I could sing only one song for the rest of my life this would be it. It's the one song that can bring tears to my eyes even if I'm in the best mood, it's the one song that when I listen to it the time and the world around me stop a little bit. 

Its lyrics are changing with me as time passes. At first I was feeling that some people were giving me their "empire of dirt", later that I did hurt myself, almost always that, yes, pain is one of the most real things in life. Nowadays, being in a period of change I keep thinking "what have I become?".

Plus, it will always remind me of the time when a period of depression started for me, 
of all the fragile moments in life and the pain that we come through eventually.

P.S. I think that this version is the best one ever: 



Monday, November 16, 2015

The things that never came...

(image from quotesgram.com)

Imagination is great for creating expectations. 
You can imagine all these great and beautiful things that you want to come in your life.
I know because I've been imagining and having expectations....basically for as long as I can remember myself.

When you're a child expectations can be simple: a gift, candy, a walk.....
But when you grow up, when you become a teenager, soon to be an adult, you start imagining and making plans for your life: what are you going to do, how your daily life is going to be, what will be your profession, how your relationships with friends and family will be, how are you going to meet love, the smallest and biggest things!

And then....life happens!

Some things might come (the way you imagined or another way), 
some others won't and these are going to be the ones that will give you a pinch to your mind/heart as time goes by.

And yes, many people say that is a lot better having a few (or no) expectations, but not everyone can do it. Some of us keep imagining and dreaming....even if there are times that those expectations bring us down...(for a while).


Monday, November 9, 2015

"They may say" (a poem)


They may say
there's no such thing in life
But I dare
to speak out, dream and fight

They may say
I must compromise to survive
But I dream
and create my own world in life

They may say
there's no magic left aside
But I believe
in sparkle, rainbows, love, feeling alive!

Is happiness a taboo?


Blast from the past again.....
It was one day in junior high, I must have been around 14 years old, and as I was walking down the stairs with a friend at school I say to her "Oh, I'm blissful!". There was a boy walking in front of us and by the time the word "blissful" was heard he turned and looked at me and I must say it was a....kind of weird look, kind of. 
My first thought at that moment was "why did he looked at me liked that, I said nothing weird, I said something completely normal and pleasant". My second thought was "is happiness something weird for some people?".
Here we are almost twelve years later (oh, time passes so fast....!) and I have been thinking for a while....
IS HAPPINESS A TABOO?
And maybe we're afraid of happiness deep down? 
Is it so weird for other people (or let's say the society) to express your happiness openly?
What, you have to be like "oh, I'm fine...", "ah,I'm ok..."?

Well, sometimes I feel (and everyone else as well) BLISSFUL!
And more than happy to express it......!
;-)

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Being confortable outside my comfort zone

My first contact with the phrase "outside your comfort zone" happened about 3 years ago, through a TV series (I think I was already trying to get out of mine, but I didn't know there was a phrase about it). So, about 3 years ago I started writing about exiting my comfort zone and...try to make it happen! Yes, it was pretty hard and it went like one step forward, 2 steps back.
Until.....2015!
This glorious year....when I found myself into chaos, having not a single stability in my life for a while. And that's the point where something magical happened!
Having nothing to lose I started doing all the things that I was afraid or hesitant of doing:
* I volunteered to an art festival
* I asked others to go out more easily
* I started talking more easily to people around me
* I participated in workshops 
* I added my artwork and photography prints to my handmade objects brand (Daily Art by Angelina)
* I decided to bring my art photography to the next level and work towards making it a profession (Angelina Mavrogianni Photography)
* I started my first band (and I'm thinking of starting a second one too)
* I started getting used to talking to people I didn't know well (to do all the above I had to accomplish that too)
* I started publishing my poems to this blog (http://themicrocosminsidemymind.blogspot.gr/search/label/poetry)
* I started creating small videos with a cappella covers of songs I love

These are some examples of the things I accomplished during the year and to do them I had to go so outside my comfort zone....!
There were the good and the bad days, the days I was so much into doing something new and the ones when I didn't have so much courage, but I fought a lot, I worked a lot and today....

....the truth is I don't know where my comfort zone begins and ends anymore. 
I'm a little bit tired of trying so much sometimes, but magical things do happen outside your comfort zone and I've reached a point where the first thing that comes to my mind each time I accomplish a task is "what am I doing to do next to challenge my comfort zone?!".

Plus, I have started feeling comfortable with...not feeling comfortable 
and that's a marvelous feeling!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

"You lovely pain" (a poem)


*Note: This poem was written during a migraine crisis, when I was lucky enough to be functional. Maybe these words was a way for me to curse the pain away, maybe....


Dear pain,
you who run through my brain
and you're warming up my blood

You lovely pain,
that your voice, so sharp,
is puncturing my ears

Dear pain,
you I can hear in silence
calling my name

You lovely pain,
that I can feel your touch 
upon my so fragile skin

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

"Again, and again, and again" (a poem)


You can stab me
again
and again
and again
and for as long as you like
Twisting the blade making sure that I won't survive
But I will rise
from the ashes you burned down
Each single time
I'm going to pick up every piece,
reassemble and rise
again
and again
and again
You can stab me 
as long as you like
but I'm ready now;
ready to fight


Monday, November 2, 2015

The chicken with the big dreams



And that's the phrase I used to describe myself to someone the summer that passed.

I'm a coward, a proper chicken, 
but there's a certain point when you'll have to toughen up, exit your comfort zone and do something to come closer to the things you want from life.
It takes courage, faith, work and good breathing,
 but then when you stand and you see (literally or by imaging it) what you've done you feel....
like a totally powerful person, 
like anything can happen, 
like you can accomplish anything,
 like happiness (well not "like", it's pure happiness),
like "if it feels so nice why I spend so much time chickening out of it?!",
like you finally got it (and definitely not by chance)!!

And you're reading this from the girl who was too afraid and insecure to have her own band, to show off her art, to sing something she wrote in front of others, maybe sometimes to lay eyes on a guy she really liked, to think herself as an artist, to follow her 100% real goals for life...
but so long.....!!

What's coming next?

Cause I'm ready.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

"The Umbrella Story"

To my friend (you know who)...


It was a summer night, a couple of months ago, and I was sitting in my living room with a friend who had an issue with a guy. I could put myself in her shoes and I payed attention to what she was saying.
 So, as we were talking, at some point I was laying back in my armchair, cool, drinking my soda from a glass with an umbrella on top (the ones they put on cocktails) and looking at my friend thinking that "oh her problem was tough and I was so lucky to be free of this kind of problems for a while
(during that period I wasn't so much interested in getting involved with anybody and I was all about myself and being free of guy problems and stuff).

It turned out that later on I would have the same problem she had.
And the times I remembered that moment with the umbrella drink in hand are soo many!

For one more time I realized that in life, whatever happens to the person next to you has great chances of happening to you too.
It's a "you-'re-next" thing.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Two lines by Brothers Grimm



From the moment I read these two lines I fell in love with them. 
They have become something like a mantra for me, 
sometimes I even quote them out of the blue, just because they're so lyrical and perfect!

Sunday, October 25, 2015

I am

I am a young woman.
I am an artist.
I am scared to death to do some things.
I am a daydreamer.
I am someone who lost faith (not in a religion, but in people, situationσ and the beautiful things that might come) and is starting to gaining it again.
I am tired of trying sometimes.
I am balancing between happiness and melancholy. 
I am (usually) full of anxiety (for things that I want to come and they might not, for what I'm going to do with my life, that something bad might happen, etc, etc).
I am not afraid to express what I feel (in here or to some people I trust).
I am recovering from a bad year.
I am a great lover of laughing.
I am happy when I spend time with myself.
I am who I am at this moment because I worked for it.
I am learning to live outside my comfort zone.
I am grateful to have a roof over my head and food.
I am beginning to believe in myself in a way that I only subconsciously have imagined. 
I am someone who gained self-confidence through work and time (and still working on that).
I am afraid of silence.
I am afraid of the things that might not come.
I am a person who's able to go to pieces, pick up each piece, rebuild myself again (and become a better version of myself each time I do this).
I am here.
I am learning to live.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

The most important words I've heard in my life

(until now at least)

I'm a little bit of a drama queen sometimes. 
Some other times I'm kind of overreacting.
 If I want something I can't wait too long until I get it, if I 'm feeling something I can't help but expressing myself....etc, etc. 
And there are times that I feel that I might be crossing my line of self control, maybe take something too seriously and making a big deal of it (well, when you can't stop your mind from thinking almost all the time some things become bigger than they really are in there).
So, all these moments when I'm afraid that I'm going to lose control I try to remember the really important things in life. 
The really really important ones!

The number one for me it's a phrase that I've been told when I was 20 years old. 
Back then, after a fainting episode and health problems that followed it, I took some medical tests and in one of those (which was to check the chance of having cancer), the doctor came out of his office and told me the phrase:
"You're fine, you don't have anything".

And that's the phrase I remember when things get out of control inside my mind.
I'm fine, and there was a chance I wouldn't be and that's a blessing on its own.
 So anything else.... I can handle!


Thursday, October 22, 2015

A place where magic happens


This a photo I took a couple of years ago,
 It was a sunny Sunday morning and as I was walking in the center of Athens I saw a bunch of balloons hanging from a balcony.
 "Oh something nice must happen inside there" I thought. 

A few months after that I attended a class of photography in this building so I had the chance to take a look at the inside, with the pink walls and big white staircase to the upstairs floor (where I never went, so the mystery kept on going).






So, this autumn I started attending a class of theatrical play....in the upstairs floor of this same building (yes the one with the balcony).
I realized that something magical does happen in there, a group of positive people gather and work on freeing and understand themselves and becoming their best selves through movement, theater, role playing and imagination!

Inside there.....magic happens!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Adulthood

To friends and family I refer to 2015 as "the year I became an adult".

Bad and unpleasant things (and a few better ones) happened during the year and it was my time to move on,
leave my "Peter Pan syndrome" zone to become a new version of myself.

First impressions of adulthood:
- life is usually closer to chaos than in order (I have almost accepted it)
- you need patience (still dealing with this because I don't do well with being patient)
- hello more responsibilties and anxiety (the more the merrier....not!)
- psysical signs of getting older (oh yeah, my first grey hair and the frequent black circles under my eyes)
- things happen and you start losing your faith in people, situations and the possible "magic" that can happen (but I'm still fighting for my faith in all these things and I 'm never going to stop)
- being happy takes a little more effort (and sometimes a lot more effort)
+ doing the things you really want (cause time passes right?!)
 + you express your real self  (I have started not giving a damn)
 + you learn to depend less to others (friends, lovers and people go away and you always keep on going and being alive and well)
   + eventually your relationships with others become more honest (by saying what you think and feel, by listening to them)
+ no matter what happens life is going on

So....at 26 I became an adult, but......
a part of me was, is and always be a little kid and this keeps me balanced.